This past Summer my family and I made a trip to South Mississippi to visit Stephanie’s, my wife, grandmother. I’d been to her house before, but had never spent more than a couple hours at a time there. This trip was different. We planned on spending 3 days and 2 nights in this small farming town. The previous trips all felt like we were taking a step back in time, and this trip was no different.
My Granny-in-law is a wonderful woman. Her cooking is an amazing expression of love, and even at 87 she still makes some of the best butter beans, cobblers, and sweet tea I’ve ever had. Truth be told, I’ve never been a fan of sweet tea until I tasted hers. I now understand why the front porch in Southern homes isn’t complete without a pitcher of sweet tea and a rocking chair.
On this particular trip, it was my first realization of how much ‘stuff’ we brought with us for our comfort. I’ve always been aware of how much stuff we tend to pack, but had never connected with with the concept of “comfort” before. “Comfort” became a theme for me through our stay with Granny.
We walked into her house (her home since birth) and was immediately confronted with the heat. It wasn’t terribly hot outside, temps in the upper 80’s are unusually mild for Mississippi in Summer, but it was sticky and humid. It was cooler outside, than it was inside. There was no air conditioning. Her house was dark, fans were turned on, and Granny was sitting comfortably in her rocking chair reading the newspaper. She was doing what the heat requires you to do: Sit and rest. I made it about two hours before I had to turn on the window AC unit to help cool down the main room.
Turning on the AC was a moment of clarity for me: I find it difficult to be present and engage without the help of creature comforts. Being hot, is tops on my list for most unbearable temperature situations, but I was quite proud that I’d made it a few hours without turning on the air. In our past visits, I would passively rant, and even rage internally about how hot it was. This trip helped me to realize that my inability to suffer the heat resulted in a loss of a gift. My rants and coping caused me to so self-concerned that I could not engage in the stories being told at the dinner table, or in the living room.
Stephanie spent a good part of her youth with Granny, and Granny knows stories about Stephanie that I’ve never heard. This trip made me realize how great of a gift this is. I’ve likely missed too many stories that Granny has told because I’ve been too concerned about my comfort. This was a sobering reality for me. Here I sat in the room with my wife’s grandmother. I have access to thousands of stories that will give me insight into my wife that no one else on earth knows. These stories she tells are stories of who my wife was, and is.
I spent many of our early years in marriage too concerned about my personal comfort when we travelled to visit her family. It was in this myopic view that caused great strife in our relationship. I failed to cope well with discomfort, and thus failed to love my wife. I suspect this is the same dilemma you will face soon as well.
The holidays are near, which means that family gatherings are approaching. Over this holiday season, everyone visiting in-laws will have an opportunity to learn a new way to care and love our spouse. Said another way: If you’re willing, there is a gift that your in-laws will give. Unwillingness will show up as a need for comfort. Early on in marriage I medicated via the safety of televised sporting events. And I protected my way from learning about my wife and how to love her.
Thanksgiving dinners, Christmas traditions, and New Years celebrations will always give you insight into the way your spouse was raised. Marriage counseling will always involve asking the husband or wife to recount home situations that were formative in their upbringing. This is often hard because our upbringings are vast and full of pain and joy (though sometimes numbed and forgotten). Visiting your spouse’s ‘home’ is like taking a step back in time. If you’re new to the in-laws, or have been around for a while, visiting with your in-laws (or soon to be) is a relational goldmine.
Questions to consider:
- How does the family handle tense situations? Do they medicate and numb the pain? How does your significant other (spouse) behave in these situations? Does this shed light on how he/she handles themselves with you in tense situations?
- Does grace, empathy, compassion, mercy, and tenderness reside in the home? Is the home emotionally warm, cold? How does anger get expressed?
- What roles to family members, including your spouse play? Scapegoat, hero, forgotten one, golden child, rule follower? (Think of this like the game “Clue”)
- How do your mother/father in-law interact? What does their marriage look like? Chances are, your spouse will emulate their parents marriage, knowingly or unknowingly.
Obviously there are many more questions to consider, but hopefully this will get the ball rolling on the gifts available during holiday visits. As an aside, visiting in-laws offers a great opportunity to deepen friendship in marriage. Marriage is a shelter from the harsh elements of life, and forthcoming holiday visits, though full of gifts, can be traumatic. Be your spouses teammate, fight for and with them, defend them, and don’t be afraid to leave if the situations are toxic. You and your spouse are the new family, and need to be protected against all threats, foreign and domestic.
