The expectations your in-laws and extended family may have about you as a couple can easily cause undo stress between you and your future mate. Talking about possible challenges—before they occur—can help alleviate many difficulties in the future.
The below dialoge between Hannah and Tim serves as an example of one real-life couple working through family matters:
“Our families’ expectations were almost the exact opposite from the other, so that was a huge challenge,” Tim says. “Hannah has always been around her large extended family, but my family wasn’t close to or engaged with our extended family. My family was closed and rather controlling, so Hannah didn’t understand my parents’ expectations.”
“His parents were worried because I had been married before and had a daughter,” Hannah says. “Tim had never been married and is really close with his parents. So even after we married, they expected to still be an authority in his life. His mom and I would clash a lot, and it took a long time for us to trust each other. It took time, but eventually we worked things out.” Because of Hannah and Tim’s determination to communicate and work through these expectations, trust has been built between them and their marriage strengthened.
“My parents expected us to be with them every Christmas,” Tim says, “which wasn’t realistic. I wish we would’ve anticipated those extended family expectations earlier on.”
“My ex never wanted me to be with my extended family,” Hannah says, “so I put negative expectations on Tim and thought he would respond the same way as my first husband. I would be defensive—and then I was surprised when Tim responded differently. Tim encourages relationships with my family, and that’s such a relief to me.”
“I never had many traditions in my family,” Tim says, “so we like to make new ones—like cutting down a Christmas tree every year. We also like to show our kids a good mix of cultural experiences—city life as well as country life.”
“When it comes to my daughter, Alicia, we have a rotating schedule for Christmas and Thanksgiving,” Hannah says. “We tried passing her back and forth halfway through Christmas Day, but we all hated that. So now we just have two Christmas days. When Alicia is with her dad and not with us on December 25, it’s a little sad, but I hang on to the fact that I’ll see her and celebrate with her the very next day!”
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness, by Susan and Dale Mathis. Copyright © 2012, all rights reserved. Visit www.SusanGMathis.com for more on this book.
