Q: My husband goes to his parents’ house by himself every Friday night by himself and also after work on weekdays. On Sundays, he includes me and our children on these visits. His parents are 10-15 minutes drive and my parents are about 20-25 minutes away. I only see my parents once a week and call them whenever, so my question is: What is a healthy relationship with parents for a newly-wed couple look like?
A: I don’t think there is a concrete answer to that. Let’s face it, many married couples live 2,000 miles away from either set of in-laws. So they don’t have much time together at all. But it sounds like for this couple, they live close to each other. The husband has developed a pattern, it sounds like, of going by his folks every afternoon. My question would be, how long does he stay there? Does it eat into time he could be spending with the wife? I’m guessing maybe she’s feeling like he has not left his parents and that he’s spending more time with them than he is with her. That needs to be shared because he needs to know that. If you have trouble negotiating that, you need to talk to an older and/or trusted friend and let them help you negotiate this. You’re not the first one who has delta with this problem but there’s no arbitrary answer to how much time you should spend with a parent after you get married. The important thing is that your allegiance is to each other rather than your parents. Both of you need to have a sense that you are the most important person in each other’s lives. Having said that, we have to recognize it’s proper to honor parents. So leaving parents doesn’t mean we totally isolate ourselves from them but there is a balance, and most young couples have to work a while to find that balance. You need to discuss it and find a solution.
