Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year holidays are often times of warm memories and happy family experiences. Just as often, however, it can be a time of extraordinary stress and dreaded conflict in the family. Some—especially young married couples—find this season one of being torn between the expectations (and sometimes downright demands) of parents and in-laws. Each set of parents may want (expect) the couple to spend the bulk (if not all) of their time on these special days with them, usually based on the “compelling” rationale that the family tradition has always included everyone in the family.
The implicit message is that they would betray the family if they spent the day with the in-laws. When both sets of parents level these expectations, the young couple is caught in the crosshairs of an implacable conflict, one that usually neither spouse wants. No matter what they decide to do, they know that they are going to make some people very unhappy. It’s as if they have been involuntarily entered in a competition they can’t possibly win.
Sometimes, one or the other spouse comes from an “enmeshed family.” In this type of family, either mom or dad (or both) refuse to give up the attention-demanding role of parent. More often than not, mom is the one that most fits this profile, with dad either silently complicit or actively defending her for the sake of peace in his marriage. In any case, they’ve controlled their kids’ lives during their growing up years and they’re not about to stop that now. That’s why the son-in-law or daughter-in-law who has captured their married child’s attention typically represents a grave threat to this control. As a result, such parents tend to treat their married child’s spouse harshly, either by instigating conflict whenever possible or simply by outright rejection. This treatment invariably causes, of course, great stress in the new couple’s marriage. In the end, what happens in these situations depends almost entirely on their married child’s response.
If the response is passive capitulation to the parent’s wishes or directives, then the deep resentment that this will likely cause in his or her spouse will inevitably create a rupture in the marital relationship. If the adult children (either husband or wife) do not have the courage to set clear boundaries, they are unwittingly saying to their spouses that they are not as important as their family of origin.
The result is usually catastrophic to their marriage. Indeed, I’ve seen them persist in their helplessness and capitulation to parent’s demands, even to the point of separation and divorce. This naturally gains back for the parents the full attention and control of their child, and so they will fully support (and even facilitate) the end of the marriage. This, of course, violates the principle that what God has joined together, man should not separate (Matt. 19:6).
Make no mistake about it, it’s not easy to reverse course when there is relentless pressure from mom and dad to listen to them. When the adult child does set boundaries, unfortunately a war of words often breaks out that often splinters the peace of family get-togethers. Given such conflicts, the holidays become a time of dread among family members. There likely follows an emotional upheaval in which everyone feels they lose in some way or another. But that’s only true for the adult child if boundary-setting is done poorly. Otherwise, there can be significant growth, even in unexpected ways.
Holding to firm boundaries is definitely not for the faint-hearted. However, if you can weather the emotional assaults that may come your way for a time, it pays off in the long run. That’s because true emancipation of an adult child from his or her parents, together with a spouse who feels protected and important in the bargain, leads to a healthier bond in marriage. It also means that, if the parents can adapt to the reality of the empty nest, a more functional connection to the family of origin will better serve everyone’s interest.
It’s important to point out that holiday conflicts are not limited to enmeshed families. Although they don’t demand allegiance in other matters, some families with a long history of certain “holiday traditions” often find it difficult to change those traditions to accommodate the situations of their married children. They believe that changing them somehow also alters the meaning and spirit of the celebrations they represent. So, they try to hang on, as best they can, to “the way things have always been done” in an attempt to preserve their memories of holiday times when their children were small.
If it means that, for instance, if Christmas dinner has always been on Christmas day with the immediate family, then it should continue to be so, even though there are the wishes of in-laws to consider. Consequently, the married children often feel pulled in two different directions. In fact, with such conflict, sometimes young couples have told me that they would rather go off on their own just to have peace.
Parents often cannot understand why their married children seem to be “abandoning” them. It would help if they could see that it’s not a matter of their kids not loving them or wanting to be with them, but rather a matter of accommodating the requests of two different families or, even a young couple trying to establish new traditions with their own children. While new learning must occur on both sides, Jesus made it clear that it is the adult child that has the responsibility to emancipate and establish his own independence (Matt. 19: 4-5).
Of course, it is Jesus Himself who is the real subject of our celebration of our most important holidays. We respect our parents (by which we honor them) only by honoring God first. And that means honoring His teaching to tell the truth in love (Eph. 4:15) to our parents, and to do that which provides the best opportunity for their growth as well as ours. God never promised that growth would be easy; but He did promise that, by “imitating Him” (i.e., by growing up or maturing in Him), we become a “fragrant offering” pleasing unto Him (Eph. 5:1-2). Resolving the issue of holiday celebrations in favor of loving emancipation is certainly a step in the right direction.
