Q: How come when a wife cries during a stressful time it typically unsettles the husband—who suddenly will climb inside himself because HE is uncomfortable— instead of genuinely caring for what his wife is feeling? It just compounds the issue and makes it harder on both of us.
A: This is rather a common phenomenon that, especially in the early years of marriage, the wife will cry when there’s some crisis in her life and the husband doesn’t know what to do…so he withdraws. He may try to intrude and say, “honey what’s wrong?” but if she doesn’t snap out of it or talk to him, he withdrawals in silence and now she feels disconnected from him. The problem is not that he is trying to hurt her further or trying to make the situation worse. The problem is that he doesn’t know how to handle tears. He doesn’t know what they mean, where they are coming from and what he is supposed to do.
So, I would say that it would be good if a wife can give her husband some information as to why she’s crying, what stimulated the tears, what is going on inside of her and what she would like for him to do. Try to have this discussion not when she’s crying but at another time. She could say to him, “If you ever see my crying, here’s what I would like for you to do…This would be most helpful for me—put your arm around me, sake me what’s going on, if I want to talk let me talk and if I don’t want to talk just say to me, ‘honey, whenever you feel like talking, I’m here.” Tell him what you think would be helpful. He’s far more likely to do it if he has that information otherwise he’s left with an empty head as to what he’s supposed to do.
Don’t expect a man to do something without giving him the information as to what would be helpful to you.
