Living for you is harder. It would be easy for him to die for you because he loves you. Living for you, which is what you actually want, is harder for him. It is even harder for him if you are smart and do not need him to rescue you, since rescuing is something he does really well. If you are very competent at many things, he may at times question if you need him at all. He may not see that you stay with him as a conscious choice.” [Taken from: Ten Things Your Combat Veteran Wants You To Know]
Most women aren’t married to a soldier. Certainly none of us have wed knights. However, many Christian physiologists and counselors have identified a necessary warrior in every man.
Stu Weber calls it the Tender Warrior. Writing for Probe Ministries, in an article reviewing Weber’s book and others, Ray Bohlin, says:
Men need someone to fight for and with. A companion. A beauty. A helpmate. Adam had a great and wonderful world to explore at his creation. But God recognized that he needed something else, a helpmate suitable for him. In summary then, at the heart of every man there is something fierce, wild, and passionate.”
There’s a primal, God-given element in a man that calls him to love valiantly and defend courageously. Few women understand this innate drive. What if you looked for the warrior in your man? Could it be that some of his most abrasive habits are love emanating through his knightly armor?
Recently, I heard Beth Moore share about a book signing for her children’s book, My Child My Princess. The children were encouraged to dress up as members of a kingdom; and the hosting church was decked in the glitter and finery befitting a palace. Predictably, most of the little girls came in ruffles, sequins and lace. Patient mothers had woven tiaras into their hair. They walked on dainty tiptoes in their bedroom slippers.
Beth said she assumed the boys would come crowned with kingly jewels, dragging the hem of their fathers’ bathrobes and wielding a scepter. Surely, she thought, they would don the role of kings or princes. Not so.
To Beth’s surprise, most of the little gentlemen were wrapped in tinfoil, clutched a sword and bore a coat of arms. Crudely crafted swords, blunted of course, were their favorite prop.
Perceptively, Beth realized there was a deep, unidentified call in the little boys’ hearts to be valiant, brave defenders. Their egos called them warriors. They longed to face fiery dragons, evil men and even death to defend the honor of their imaginary courts and ladies.
God has a way of repeating things until I pay attention.
Last month, my sister attended a Love and Respect conference. Very simplistically, the conference teaches that, “Love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man,” and how to use that knowledge to strengthen marriages. Afterwards, my sister shared with me that, to her, my husband, a stoic, unromantic soldier, symbolized the epitome of honor.
They talked about a man being willing to die for his wife. We don’t see that often in our culture because most men aren’t in a position to need to do that. But Patrick is. It gives me a new perspective on the depth of his sometimes invisible love.”
Throughout the years, often my husband’s love has been invisible to me. I have looked enviously at my friends’ marriages. Some of them have husbands who hold their hands, kiss them in public and unabashedly post their wives’ merits on Facebook. On the other hand, my husband has spent almost a third of our marriage deployed. When he is home, he is undemonstrative and self-contained.
Could it be that my husband, to whom my love language often seems foreign, is expressing the deepest love for me?
