No one doubts that, when the alarm system of depression sounds, your life is profoundly affected. Alarms are intended as wake-up calls to direct your attention to either something within yourself, something within your relationships, or something within your circumstances (often all three) that needs to change in order to have a satisfying life. As such, though painful to experience, depression is a signal designed to ultimately protect you from further damage that would otherwise be done to your person.
What makes it confusing to many is that some patterns of behavior are not immediately recognized as depression. Everyone is conditioned by emotional associations, most of which are developed early in life. For example, a man who was raised by parents who drank heavily and became mean to him at Christmas time, as an adult, becomes depressed during the holidays. People are often no longer aware of the connection of the original events to these emotional associations, so that they are largely in the dark about their experience when they are triggered. But the resulting depression is nonetheless responsible for significantly changing the dynamics of their marriages.
Generally speaking, there are five patterns of depression which prompt five different patterns of marital interaction. Knowing what these are will better help you to prevent the kind of misunderstandings that could otherwise open you and your spouse up to highly destructive conflict.
The first pattern is that of the withdrawn depressive. This type of depressive has, of course, very low self-esteem, a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, and a loss of energy and interest in engaging in activities that previously gave pleasure. But they also display apathy, a kind of “given up” quality that precludes any proactive response. They may even sit for hours (or remain in bed) in the dark, closing down all interaction. Simply put, they avoid people at all costs. Their spouses usually try, with little success, to talk about the problem; but they encounter either relative silence or, at best, mono-syllabic responses.
Typically, loneliness, and eventually, resentment (for feeling abandoned) sets in after many failed attempts to get some meaningful dialogue going in their marriage. After withdrawing from each other, the stage is increasingly set for a major disruption: Either an extramarital affair to escape the loneliness and loss of intimacy or, still worse, a divorce that ends unhappily for everyone. On the other hand, sometimes, their marriage simply languishes in an emotionally impoverished state, each spouse living, more or less, a life of permanent solitude from the other.
A second pattern is that of the dependent depressive. This type of depressive has the usual symptoms of depression, but they also have overwhelming anxiety. They are the clinging dependent type in their relationships with others. Unlike withdrawn depressives, they don’t avoid people; instead, they actively seek people out, making constant demands on them. They usually wear their spouses out (as well as anyone else who tries to “rescue” them), since they are often in a state of panic, sucking every ounce of oxygen out of their marriages. Such marriages are in a state of endless exhaustion.
A third pattern is found in the somatic depressive. This person is preoccupied with bodily disorders of one sort or another, commonly displaying an impressive array of often exaggerated physical complaints. Many call such people “hypochondriacs,” but, in reality, they are depressed souls in a constant search for significance. They simply channel their depression into their bodies.
Here, too, marriage becomes an emotionally draining experience, one that is also often financially stressful as well, with the doctor bills piling up. After many false alarms, concern for the physical well-being of your spouse gradually morphs into an underlying resentment that life must be so chaotic and uncertain. Not infrequently, arguments break out, one accusing the other of needless hyper-ventilating about even the smallest symptom and the other raging about the lack of concern and caring.
A fourth pattern is represented by the angry depressive, in which men predominate. This person expresses feelings of persistent, sometimes intense anger at others and/or themselves. A deep gloom and doom dominates their conversation, which also reveals a great deal of guilt and self-blame. Living with such a person is like living in a minefield ready to blow up in your face at any time.
Spouses find living with the angry depressive very difficult, with ceaseless fear that they will be blind-sided at any moment with their partner’s rage. Or, if not rage, a mind-numbing pessimism expressed in non-stop grumbling about one thing or another.
Finally, there is the anxiety depressive, in which women predominate. This is the type who is constantly worrying, creating worst case scenarios about almost every circumstance. They are marked by feelings of nervousness, anxiety attacks (sweating, heart palpitations, shallow breathing, and a sense of impending doom), and sometimes a free-floating generalized anxiety. Again, life with this kind of person is rather chaotic, involving regular (and usually futile) reassurances that everything will be fine.
The effect of anxiety on marriage really begins when its continuous presence creates feelings of helplessness on the part of both spouses, helplessness which erodes any hopes for a lasting peace. The subsequent frustration then leads to a lot of debilitating conflict as they start to turn on one another.
In all of these patterns of interaction, husbands and wives typically become bewildered by what seems to them to be the implacable nature of the problem. The Apostle Paul’s admonition to serve one another (Eph. 5: 21-33) in married life is but a distant reality. Yet, the situation is made much worse when they are unable to recognize that the real issue is depression, and that depression is a signal to a persistent, unattended problem which cries out for resolution and change. In fact, they may even be unaware that a problem exists beyond the obviously relational one that is dragging their marriage down. Once they understand the larger context, they’re finally in a position to get the kind of help they need.
Only then does God’s plan for marriage begin to have a clearer focus. Remember, it’s the alarm system of depression that alerts you to the need to dig deeper for the answers to behavior that’s putting your marriage in peril. Hope for a better marital union depends on it.
