This beautiful, Saturday morning we should have had at least half-a-dozen fights.
To begin with, my husband informed me last night that he had to work on Saturday. Second, he hit snooze at least five times before he got out of bed, ensuring that I was as awake as he was before he left our bedroom. Then, I got up and stepped right into his pile of aluminum chocolate wrappers, tossed on the floor after his bedtime snack of bite-sized Hershey’s.
I took the dog for a walk, not expecting him to return home until at least noon. But, when I turned onto our street, he was already home—and parked in the “good” spot. I must confess, as petty as it sounds, his transgression against my expected timeline would usually provoke me.
Stepping into the house, I found him reclining in front of the Playstation. I assume the role of a self-righteous martyr pretty well. So, as usual, I put his dirty clothes in the washer, made the bed and dumped the dishwasher. And finally, out of the goodness of my heart, I made him pancakes for breakfast.
And that’s when I noticed the change. I wasn’t angry. My invitation to the breakfast table didn’t drip with pride in my superior spousal skills. I hadn’t huffed loudly up the stairs to make the bed, and I wasn’t tempted to spit in his pancakes. (Well, I have never been tempted to do that.)
Craig Groeschel, pastor of LifeChurch.tv, believes that making five simple commitments can fail-proof your marriage. Given that we’ve been on the brink of failure more than once in our ten years, I listened closely to his sermons series From This Day Forward. The truth is sinking in, and I’m thrilled to be reaping the blessings of obedience to God’s Word.
Commitment #2: Fight Fair
Groeschel lists four warning signs that a couple isn’t fighting fair. Those signs proved my self-diagnosis: We were in trouble.
- CRITICIZING – Criticizing isn’t the same as complaining or stating a differing opinion. Criticizing gets personal. Complaining addresses a specific issue; criticizing gets historical and throws darts at the whole person
- CONTEMPT – The dictionary says contempt shows disgust, disdain and dishonor. When I roll my eyes at my husband or call his thoughts stupid – I am showing contempt. This will always escalate the fight, like pouring water on a grease fire.
- DEFENSIVENESS – Defensiveness is cloaked blame. It implies, the problem is you, not me.
- STONEWALLING – Sorry guys, you’re classic with this one. This is often the culmination of the three previous behaviors. Eventually, one parter shuts down, and at least for a time, all hope of reconciliation is lost.
Do you see yourself? Is the mirror reflecting your marriage? There is one single thing you can do today, that will defuse your fights.
Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut and you will stay out of trouble” (Proverbs 21:23).
“A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions” (Proverbs 18:2)
The theme? It’s hard to argue with your mouth closed. It’s much easier to listen when you’re not talking. It’s much easier to compromise when you’ve heard the dissenting opinion.
Looking back at this morning, there were perfect opportunities for conflict, criticism, contempt, defensiveness and eventual stonewalling. The thing that salvaged the beautiful, Saturday morning and probably the whole weekend was my silence.
I asked Groschel’s summary question: “Should it be said? And, should it be said now?” My answers were, “No, and no.” And we lived Saturday, “happily ever after.”
