How does a great love story start? Two people meet, and before long their relationship develops from like to love. Then they decide to get married, often with a romantic proposal, followed by a wonderful wedding celebration.
There are hundreds of variations on this love story. But every single one ends the same way: “…and they lived happily ever after.“
A story of romance
That was how I wanted my own love story to be. When my husband-to-be and I met, we fell deeply in love and began a fairytale romance that seemed strong enough to last forever. We shared common interests and common values. We were active in church. Most importantly, we had both experienced God’s redeeming love. Sure we had some rocky moments during our engagement, but given our love for each other and our faith in God, we entered into marriage with high expectations for success.
On our wedding day, surrounded by friends and family, we repeated our vows to each other, pledging to love each other for as long as we lived. As we walked together out of the church, I was confident that now we were going to live happily ever after.
A story of conflict
But soon my hope for ideal love met the disillusioning reality of day-to-day living. The skirmishes that had flared up during our engagement now erupted into fierce battles. We argued about how to spend money, how to divide the household chores, how to relate to our families. It became clear that our marriage was not going to be a fairy tale and we each began to think we might have made a mistake.
For a time, we were able to rebound quickly from our quarrels and remember what we enjoyed about each other. But we continued to argue about: how to parent our children, how much time my husband was spending at work, how I wanted us to talk more (though what I really wanted was for him to listen and then agree with me).
I began to love my husband conditionally. If he treated me nicely, then I would be nice to him. If he cared for me, I would care for him. If he didn’t, I would feel resentful and then hurt that he wasn’t meeting my needs. And I blamed him for how unhappy I had become. I often felt lonely, and I was certain it was all his fault.
Eventually, our bouts of angry fighting were followed by long stretches of icy distance from each other. After several years of chipping away at the good foundation we had started with, our marriage disintegrated.
A story of surrender
I fell into despair. I didn’t know how I could continue in our bleak stalemate, yet I had no hope that our relationship would ever be better. I didn’t believe in divorce, but I began to wonder how I could stay in a marriage where my needs weren’t being met.
Then God showed me a way out of my misery. I could take up my cross and follow Jesus in my marriage. I could love my husband not because he deserved it or earned it but because I chose to. I could give up the right to lash out in anger if my husband failed me. I could work on taking the logs out of my eye.
But after all I had suffered, it didn’t seem fair that I had to sacrifice my desire to be cared for and understood. For months I resisted, hoping that God would change my husband and I wouldn’t have to surrender my romantic dreams.
One night after my husband and I had fought once again, I came to a breaking point. I went out to our back yard and wept in the darkness. As I sat there in agony, I remembered that Jesus had also loved without being loved in return. He had been deserted by his closest friends; he had felt the pain of nails being driven into his hands.
God reminded me that nothing could separate me from His unfailing love. He would always be with me, no matter how difficult things were.
Finally I let go and surrendered my marriage to God. It was the most painful thing I had ever done. But that night when I went back in the house, I determined to love my husband regardless of how he responded to me or what he did. I would love and ask for nothing in return.
A story of counsel and comfort
I could not do this on my own though. I needed God’s help. In the midst of my heartfelt struggles, I started to apply the wisdom of His Word to my marriage, including:
Make allowances for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you.” (Colossians 3:13)
“Encourage each other daily.” (Hebrews 3:13)
“Do everything without complaining or arguing.” ( Philippians 2:14)
“Whoever loves God must also love his brother.” (I John 4:21 )
“Love is patient and kind; It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.” (I Corinthians 13:4)
I also needed the comfort of God. Again and again I went to Him with my hurts and experienced His unfailing love. I asked Him for strength when I was feeling too weak to love. I received His grace when I was tempted to demand my own way or when I didn’t want to forgive.
A story of grace
Our marriage was not instantly transformed. At times, it seemed we were taking one step forward, and two steps back. But slowly and patiently, God brought a deep healing into our broken relationship, both on an emotional and a spiritual level. We learned new ways of responding to each other. We were able to enjoy being together again. We were able to forgive each other for the wounds we had caused. We discovered the hurt and pain had disappeared. Our negative feelings were replaced with positive feelings for each other.
God was able to do what I had thought was impossible. He brought us through despair and into wholeness. We are now living happily ever after, but our marriage is not the story of a perfect romance. Instead, it’s something much better. It’s the story of a grace-filled love from the heart of God.
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FEATURED GUEST: Annie Wald
Annie has been making up stories since she was a child growing up in New England. She’s the author of a young adult novel, The Counterfeit Collection and her short stories have been included in the anthology series, Not Safe But Good, edited by Bret Lott. Her allegory of marriage, Walk with Me: Pilgrim’s Progress for Married Couples, will be published in September by River North/Moody. Besides the Psalms and the parables of Jesus, her favorite allegories include C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia, and Walter Wangerin’s Book of the Dun Cow. She now lives happily ever after with her husband in Rabat, Morocco, where he pastors an international church. Visit her at www.anniewald.com or find her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/anniewaldauthor.
