Garrison stuffs his minor annoyances. “The person I’m dating now might make a comment unintentionally that hurts me,” he said. “Instead of saying anything, I think, It’s not that big a deal, so why create conflict?”
He doesn’t want to be accused of being too nitpicky or demanding. But lately he’s noticed that he has a bad habit.
After weeks of stuffing these little hurts and annoyances, I blow up and say all kinds of nasty things to her. This type of behavior ended my last relationship.”
For many of us, our daily minor irritations, frustrations, and emotional upsets can accumulate and sneak up on us. We understand that we need to deal with the big things, such as death, job loss, or financial problems, and the sadness and anger those things bring. But the tiny upsets sidle by us unnoticed until suddenly, just like that, we are at a breaking point.
We don’t all react like Garrison, who became verbally abusive. Some of us become snappish or spew sarcastic or angry remarks. Others withdraw—giving the silent treatment or withholding affection or appreciation. Some become numb or cry. A few turn physically violent.
Recognize the problem
Despite his bad habit, Garrison is wise. He is self-aware enough to realize he has a problem that needs to be changed. Recognizing when we aren’t handling things well and understanding how we react negatively is the first step toward positive change.
Decide on meaningful reasons to change
The best way to succeed in altering our behavior is to find some meaningful, lasting reasons for implementing change. Here are several ideas:
- You have serious relationship problems and know something needs to change—or else.
- You aren’t having serious relationship problems, but you want to grow emotionally and spiritually.
- Your friends are distancing themselves from you. Instead of having fun with them, you are bogged down with the emotional messes in your life.
- You want to be a good role model for your children.
- You are eating and drinking too much, have health problems, or experience frequent headaches or pains, and you want to become healthier.
- You want to cultivate desirable qualities that attract people to you.
Become accountable
Change is difficult even when you are determined. Allowing yourself to become accountable to someone you trust will increase the likelihood of positive change. Choose a person you respect and who isn’t afraid to call you to task, and then invite the person to help you.
Finally, become accountable to yourself by taking a moment to write down the answers to these statements:
- I’m tired of reacting negatively because…
- When I respond well instead of reacting poorly, I should notice…
- This week I’m going to tell [person’s name] about my plans to change how I handle my emotions.
*Adapted from Taking Out Your Emotional Trash: Face Your Feelings and Build Healthy Relationships by Georgia Shaffer
