Before marriage it’s really hard to experience enough life together to know the ups and downs that give them the a clear picture of what married life will look like. I know this because it’s not uncommon for a couple to walk into my office and explain that after a few years of marriage, they feel like they’ve been sold a bill of goods.
Don’t ignore the signs.
A few years ago, Sarah came into my office for her first appointment. She explained to me that she and her husband are having lots of conflict. They’d been married just over a year. She wanted him to come with her to counseling but he refused. As we explored what problems they were having, it became clear that she ignored the warning signs that showed up during dating and engagement. He would make a commitment to her, and then at the last minute would either back off or not show up. Throughout their engagement, she gave him grace and chance after chance to make things right–but the patterns continued.
When I challenged her about why she put up with his behavior, her response was a bit of a surprise. Sarah said, “I know that this isn’t him. He’s got so much to offer, and he’s better than this. He’s a great guy, and I think if I just try harder, he’ll love me better.” After a number of sessions, she realized she had married him for what she thought he could become, not who he was. It took her a long time to accept this reality and what it meant for her marriage, and her life.
We Americans love potential.
We love the hope for something new. We’re an optimistic country founded with the ideals that freedom and the pursuit of happiness is a right for all. Some of our ancestors spent months on a ship to settle a new land and start a new way of life. Freedom, ideals, hope and potential are all part of why our country was founded.
We’re not the first society to be so consumed with potential and hope. Rewind the tape thousands of years and we find a very similar desire in Adam and Eve: They lost paradise, and wanted back into the garden. It’s a part of us, dating all the way back to the beginning of Humanity.
The great storyteller and theologian CS Lewis, once said if we find desires in ourselves that cannot be satisfied here in this world, then we must have been made for another world. There’s a longing in each of us, and we’re out to find it. We have this desire hard-coded into our DNA, and we won’t stop looking until we face our Maker.
Earlier this summer, the Mega-Millions lottery reached $600+ Million and it was reported that Americans spent almost double that amount in the purchase of lottery tickets. My first reaction, as one who didn’t purchase a ticket, was to arrogantly scoff at those who were chasing a statistical improbability. My perspective and self-righteousness changed when my friend reminded me that everyone who bought a ticket was just like me: Made for another world and searching for fulfillment, meaning and purpose.
Marriage won’t fix your relationship.
Similar to Sarah’s story above, a couple came into my office for pre-marriage counseling. Jeff explained that his fiancee, Aime, was treating him with rage and contempt. She would berate him for opinions, decisions and ideas he’d have for dates and social outings. He felt like her anger towards him was because he’d dragged his feet on proposing for 6 months and didn’t do it in a way she wanted. He felt that once they finally got married, she’d settle down because that’s ultimately what they wanted. We explored her rage at him and his passiveness in not standing up for himself.
They both believed that things would settle down once they got married. I didn’t agree and suggested they push the pause button on their engagement. They went ahead with the marriage, and she didn’t settle down. In fact, marriage made her treatment of him worse.
In both examples (names and situation changed for confidentiality), Jeff and Sarah both had high hopes for their marriage. Their hopes and dreams brought about a filter of “they’ll change when we get married” to be lived. They chose to live in the future, instead of living in the moment. As they both realized, marriage intensified their relational struggles.They both hoped for a change of course once the rings and vows were taken but, at some point, the established patterns of relating proved to be greater than the hopes.
The lesson in all of this?
Ideals, potential and ‘what I hope will happen’ can lead us to make shortsighted decision. Unfortunately this happens every day when a man or woman looks beyond the present situation and decides that a vow will change them. How your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé treats you today is how you will continue to be treated tomorrow.
Marrying someone for their potential comes from an honest place. You want more out of your relationship–and the other person. There’s nothing wrong with this want but it is a big setup for disappointment. If you find yourself considering what you want to change about the other person in order for you to be happy, slow the relational process down. If you married today, and nothing changed, would you be content?
Today is the birthplace of wisdom: Listening to today so you can act differently tomorrow.
