When we were first married, Stephanie (my wife) and I decided to pray together every evening before bed. It was a rhythm of spiritual practice that some of my mentors suggested as one of the most important actions they did with their spouse. I was 23, pretty ignorant about what made a marriage work (rightfully so), and was willing to take whatever advice I could get. We hoped that this practice would help us to heed the advice of Eph 4:26, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.”
With those goals in mind, Stephanie and I made it our duty to pray with each other every night. For the first few months, we didn’t forget too many times. It wasn’t that hard to remember to pray because we were having a rough go at marriage. We were keenly aware of our need for God to intervene.
I can remember many prayers that were just one word: Help (and then a lot of silence followed).”
There were times that I did not like her, and did not want to love her but knew that I needed to pray with her. I’d pray with one hand in a fist and the other holding her clinched fist.
I don’t remember when we stopped praying together at night on a regular basis, but I know that it was sometime after our first year together. One of my main motivations to pray every day was I thought it was what Godly husbands were supposed to do. At some point this process actually got in the way of us working through our conflicts together. Another reason we ended the daily ritual was we kept falling asleep while the other person was praying (which made us feel like Pharisee’s). It was a duty, and our hearts did not reflect what we wanted in this process.
Spiritual maturity
Both of our Spiritual disciplines have matured over the years, and so has our spiritual connection together. Looking back, I’m grateful that we prayed together, even amidst some of our heart issues. Today we continue to do pray together, though with a different rhythm.
What I’ve learned in this process is when we pray alone, we do so knowing that our requests are understood and known by God. But when we pray together, we invite our spouse into our conversation with God. Connecting spiritually with your spouse takes time, trust, and truthfulness.
One of the great byproducts of a connected spiritual life is intimacy. Think of intimacy as “Into me, you see.” Praying with our spouse is bringing the inside out, for God and your spouse to see. It’s comforting to know that my wife can be with me spiritually even when we are not together in person. Often in the mornings as I’m leaving for work, the two of us will sit down together and pray. I leave knowing that she’s on my team, and knows what my needs and challenges are for the day.
Spiritual intention
Spirituality is an area in your marriage that needs your attention. Being aimless in your spiritual journey together will result in missing out on building trust, connection, and intimacy. As with all aspects of marriage, there are always two stories at play: Yours, and your spouses. Spirituality is no different. Take some time to explore with each other where you feel God’s pleasure and presence in your life.
- What do you want Spiritually from your spouse?
- How did you see (or not see) Spirituality in your parents marriage?
- What roles do you expect each other to play in your Spiritual relationship?
- Where do you feel closest to God?
- How can you invite each other into your experience of God?
