After signing the Declaration of Independence in 1776, Thomas Jefferson, the 3rd U.S. president wrote in his Notes on the State of Virginia,
God who gave us life gave us liberty.”
While Jefferson is speaking about gaining liberty—defined by Merriam-Webster as the quality or state of being free; the power to do as one pleases—as a nation from the Kingdom of Great Britain, rather than an individual, it seems this cherished idea of liberty bleeds over into many parts of life, especially relationships in western culture. When I think of liberty, words like: revolution, freedom, independence and rebellion come to mind. History books are filled with events characterized by such words.
It is in our very nature to fight for our rights, to defend ourselves when something or someone prohibits us from doing as we please, to become independent—even from God and the people we love—ever since the first act of rebellion against God in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:6). However, relationships, marriage first and foremost, cannot stand on a foundation of individual liberty. If two people are concerned with doing as they please, they will undoubtedly drift apart rather than maintain the gift of unity in their relationship.
This past Sunday, my pastor, Kensen Lam, said in his sermon,
In our most natural state we do not love Jesus. We are by our nature enemies of God (Romans 5:10; 8:7).”
He went on to say, we demonstrate this by our unwillingness to not submit … we don’t like anything that tries to master us. Raise your hand if that sounds like you? (If my hands weren’t glued to the keyboard, they would both be raised).
Just as we resist submitting to and loving Jesus, we resist submitting to and loving one another. When I was in Junior High, I remember one of my girlfriends (name omitted for her privacy) saying: My mom told me, “the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down.” I also remember that my friend’s parents were on the verge of divorce. Her mom was implying that any man to whom she gave her heart would hold her back from what she wanted to do in life. We see this idea in modern metaphors for marriage: “the old ball and chain,” “tied around her little finger,” he or she “has got you whipped” etc… However, that oppressive image of a relationship is opposite to relationship in the Gospel.
The Gospel says that whether single or married, believers are called to independently submit to the Lord together, as one unified body:
For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another” (Romans 12:4-5).
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind” (Philippians 1:1-2).
We were never meant to live this life independently of one another, nor were we designed to depend on each other to fulfill our needs. Only God can do that. So what is left? Interdependence—a combo of independence and dependence defined by reciprocity. But how do we make sense of that in order to live it out in our relationships? After searching for an applicable definition of interdependence, the best one I could find came from the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 4:1-8:
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call—one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift.”
By golly, that’s it! Paul provided the very framework for how we can achieve interdependence:
1. Surrender your will to your Father. (Give up control to Him. Your life is much more secure in His hands than in yours).
2. Surrender your marriage to the Father. (Your spouse does not belong to you and you do not belong to him or her. You both belong to your Creator).
3. Humble yourself before the other. (Stop insisting on your own rights, rather, look out for the interests of the other person).
4. Be gentle with one another. (Harsh words will never get you anywhere).
5. Be patient toward and with one another. (Wait on the Lord rather than responding based on heightened emotions. Patience builds endurance and courage).
6. Walk toward one another in every circumstance. (Unity is a gift from God. Even if you feel like fleeing, choose to lovingly support the other instead).
The U.S. colonies were fighting for their liberty, autonomy and independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain because they did not want to be in bondage to the authority of the King. That great victory is what we celebrate today in the U.S. However, there is a greater victory—the greatest Independence Day. That is the day Christ died on the cross and set us all free (Galatians 5:1). We no longer have to fight because our One true King is already victorious (2 Corinthians 14:57). Just as Christ died for us, we are called to die for one another. He is our model for relationship. If we look to Him always, relationships, particularly marriage, will be a mutual, shared, caring, deep and intimately woven partnerships, in which each person lays down their rights for the other—now that is true freedom.
So, does the hand we hold hold us down? Not if the hand we all hold is the hand of God. You’re right, Mr. Jefferson, the God who gave us life indeed gives us liberty—the liberty to serve and love Him and each other.
To sum it all up, let me leave you with some wisdom to reflect on from A.W. Tozer,
The sinner prides himself on his independence, completely overlooking the fact that he is the weak slave of the sins that rule his members. The man who surrenders to Christ exchanges a cruel slave driver for a kind and gentle Master whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light.”
Happy Independence Day!
