Most, if not all, Christian couples enter marriage with high hopes and the best of intentions. Desiring to honor God and their spouse, newlyweds make a choice to put past, single ways behind them as they dive whole-heartedly into the arms of their beloved! It blesses God’s heart to see such equally yoked believers join together in holy matrimony. It also delights our Father when the two who become one flesh, stay one flesh.
Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate” (Mark 10:9).
So, what’s a godly man or woman to do when their marriage is under attack? For example, what if bliss begins a slow fade into bitterness because one of the most prevalent sins of our time, pornography, has hooked a spouse? Not so fast! Before you shout out an adamant answer, please take a moment to read the true inspirational story of John and Alyssa (fictitious names for obvious reasons). Perhaps their testimony will encourage you to keep a Hosea-like mindset before you marry, and in case you’re already married and your relationship is on the rocks, I pray the Holy Spirit will use the following words to help you see beyond your natural offense and look to Him for the victory. Remember, your
…struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12).
John & Alyssa’s story
After only two years of wedlock, Alyssa discovered John’s hidden addiction to pornography. She knew he’d viewed such vulgarity in his single years, but during their engagement he’d promised to drop what he referred to as merely a casual hobby. As praying Christians, both John and Alyssa had sought God regarding whom they should marry. It was clear God had brought the two of them together; He’d clearly confirmed they were meant for each other. They believed the Lord had great plans for them as a couple. Now Alyssa was having doubts.
‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord,” (Malachi 2:16).
Pregnant with their third child, Alyssa’s emotions were a mess. John’s lustful acts of betrayal only made life more difficult. She responded to each offense with crying and yelling. After each emotional outburst she’d purposefully put up a new wall of resistance intended to help protect her from further hurt. She and her husband were like two opposing magnets. On occasion when Alyssa chose to put her walls down, they’d grow close. However, each time John gave into his temptation, he and his wife would bounce further apart from one another. Pretty soon, Alyssa’s walls were so high and strong that she’d almost completely shut out physical intimacy with her husband. Even his touch would make her cringe. The betrayal she felt in her heart was reason enough to justify the rude thoughts about him that grappled her mind. She found unhealthy thoughts about him easily excusable, and self-construed solutions to their marital mess constantly captivated her thoughts.
…Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things,” (Philippians 4:8).
One night she’d had enough. Everyone was fast asleep while she lay in the bed tossing in waves of anxiety. Alyssa tip-toed to the living area, and with a heavy heart she cried unto the Lord. The words that spilled from her lips initially involved her hurt; she told God she couldn’t handle the situation any longer. She pondered whether she had a biblical right to divorce John based on marital unfaithfulness.
“He’d not had sex with another person, but surely,” John’s wife reasoned, “full grown sin leads to death, which in our case eventually means death to our marriage. If John allows these seeds of lust to grow, an all out affair is pretty much inevitable.”
…sin, when it is full grown gives birth to death,” (James 1:15).
Prayer softens hearts.
After crying to God, she opened her Bible. Immediately, her eyes were drawn to a passage, which reminded her of the power of prayer. As she read the verse, a vision surfaced in her mind. The Holy Spirit showed her God’s mighty right hand, which held a running chainsaw. With its movement motivated by Alyssa’s prayers, it came out of Heaven toward her husband who stood on earth with three chains hanging from his backside. The largest chain protruded from the back of his head while the others were smaller, falling from each shoulder. Each stronghold was labeled; pornography was the heaviest weight.
Instantly, Alyssa recalled a conversation she’d had with John a few days prior. He’d mentioned a heaviness that seemed to press upon him as he went about his days. His exact words were,
I feel like there is a huge weight on my back.”
Alyssa knew God was beckoning her to pray for her husband. He desired to cut John free from bondage. She believed the Lord would work a miracle in both John’s life and their marriage if she fervently prayed.
The prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective,” (James 5:16).
Each time she lifted John to the Father in prayer, she felt her heart soften toward him. She began to see him as God did. Her focus gradually moved from her grief to John — he was under a great spiritual attack; his walk with God was being hindered. Her anger turned from John to the enemy and the plans he sought for her husband. She also began to feel remorse for how she’d treated John each time she found he’d failed. She’d been living as a slave to her emotions, as if true contentment was contingent upon her circumstances (in this case, contingent upon John’s actions) rather than God’s faithfulness. Each morning, it’d been as if she’d slap on an emotional leash and allow her flesh to yank her through each day. God would help her to be different now because she’d invite Him to teach her how to respond rather than react; how to pray rather than explode; and how to be still and wait upon Him alone for strength and wisdom. By coming to Him, He would teach her how to walk in love and forgiveness without allowing the sin of her husband to suck the joy from her life.
The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come that they may have life and have it more abundantly,” (John 10:10).
Sometimes the circumstance gets worst before it gets better.
After witnessing a change in Alyssa, one night John came to her and explained how he’d attempted for quite some time to quit his heinous habit. However, just when Alyssa predicted a miraculous breakthrough, quite the opposite happened. In a fit of rage, one night John confessed his habit was an actual addiction. To Alyssa’s surprise, rather than seeking help, John threw his hands in the air and called it quits. He’d tried his best to overcome the addiction and failed; He couldn’t stop! Because of his sin, he wasn’t sure if he could be the husband God had called him to be. To wrap up the heated discussion, he asked for a divorce and told Alyssa to get out! As she was leaving, the Holy Spirit guided her gentle words. “John,” she said, “I will never divorce you. I am totally committed. I will give you some space and let you simmer down. I’ll be back in a few hours.”
Love covers over a multitude of sins,” (I Peter 4:8).
Though the situation looked hopeless, God was yet at work healing the marriage of John and Alyssa. The two sought God while apart and upon reuniting, they vowed never again to consider divorce. They also agreed they’d take full advantage of every helpful resource God would put in their path. John eventually learned that unless God had given him the want to, he would have never desired to quit his casual hobby in the first place. After acknowledging that God is the one who works in His children to act and will according to His good purpose (Philippians 2:13), John was able to humble himself, admit his sin, seek forgiveness and truly repent. Though temptations come and go, pornography no longer has a stronghold on John, and to the amazement of both he and Alyssa, their story is now being used to encourage other couples to stay together for better…and for worse!
And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose,” (Romans 8:28).
If your spouse is addicted to pornography, prayerfully consider Alyssa’s lists as a helpful resource:
Don’ts
- Don’t blame yourself.
- Don’t encourage or excuse the behavior.
- Don’t assume your beloved wants to continue.
- Don’t assume divorce is imminent.
- Don’t ignore the issue.
Do’s
- Continually walk in love and forgiveness.
- Gently speak the truth to your beloved, and invite him or her to share their heart on the issue.
- Renew your mind continually by reading God’s Word.
- Commit to working through the issue asking God to confirm which resources to pursue.
- PRAY for wisdom and healing for you and your beloved both as individuals and as a couple.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit,” (Romans 15:13).
FEATURED CONTRIBUTOR:
Dani Miser is an author and speaker. She is passionate about encouraging others to honor God in their relationships! She truly believes God’s plans for our lives, especially in regards to marriage, are better than the plans we have for ourselves! In chapter one of her book, Single Woman Seeks Perfect Man: Facing the Consequences of Unhealthy Relationships, her testimony displays living proof that God longs to be invited as matchmaker into the lives of His children! Dani has written for publications such as CBN, Archsa.org, Youth Worker Journal, and the Healing Hope Herald. Her book has also been featured on a variety of television and radio broadcasts such as Canada’s Most Listened to Spiritual Talk Show (drewmarshall.ca) and WATC-TV Atlanta, Georgia. Dani and her husband, Cody, reside in in Wichita Falls, Texas, and have three boys ages 5, 7, and 9. Recently, they’ve been blessed with an opportunity to pursue adopting a fourth child! For more information about Dani or her book, visit her blog.
