The most important day of your marriage is the last day.
Too many couples put their best energies into the first day. The cake, flowers, clothing, and photos have to be perfect. But while a wonderful first day of marriage is important, it’s the last day that really counts.
Will the last day of your marriage come prematurely through divorce? Will the last day of your marriage be filled with regrets as you stand over the coffin of your spouse? Or by God’s grace will the last day be a day to rejoice in a life lived together and remember the gift your spouse was to you while on earth?
Get a plan
To finish well on the last day of your marriage, it is not enough to simply have passion and principles. You also need a plan. Marriages start with passion and over the years accrue principles, but apart from a plan, the passion and principles are powerless. You must choose whether you will spend your time making plans or excuses.
What I’m about to share with you comes from a godly friend in the church named Jon. During our friendship God had laid it upon Jon’s heart to speak some wisdom into my life. Jon had been taking notes on how he organized his life, things he had learned, and what he felt the Holy Spirit had asked him to tell me. His wisdom was a priceless gift. He called it “reverse engineering.” The big idea is to anticipate life forward and live it backward (Psalm 90:12).
In our book, Real Marriage: Sex, Friendship, & Life Together, Grace and I go in depth on the principles shared here, complete with a list of over a hundred questions to discuss together. The following is a condensed version of what we share in the book to get your started.
Reverse engineering principles
Reverse engineering is intended to help you work on your life—not just in it. For this to happen, the following principles are helpful: You’ll need a wise plan to do your work (Proverbs 21:5); your plan needs to include outside counsel (Proverbs 15:22); your plan must be biblical and prayerful (Proverbs 16:3); and your plan will change as God leads you (Proverbs 16:9).
Reverse engineering plans
Here are some points to keep in mind when you and your spouse work on developing a plan:
- Write down your plan.
- Be realistic.
- Include fun and a margin for error.
- Work from your priorities.
- Be honest about what you can do with the time you have to do it.
- Take something off your plate whenever something new is put on it.
- Sync your plan with your family.
- Spend a few minutes every night preparing for the next day.
Reverse engineering rhythms
You and your spouse will need to create a rhythm to life that you both can dance to without stepping on each other’s shoes. Praying with and for each other daily, having a weekly date night, a quarterly fun overnight getaway, and an annual vacation will help you and your spouse create a rhythm in your life.
Step 1: Write out priorities. Write out no more than seven priorities and place them in order of importance. The first four priorities we always recommend are Christian, spouse, parent, and worker. The truth is most people will have full plates doing these four, and even people with big plates cannot usually do more than seven things well. For you, this means that anything not on the list has to be cut because it is prohibiting you from doing your God-given priorities.
Step 2: Envision the future. Pick a day for yourself, your family, and your ministry, sometime in the future (two, five, or ten years), and envision that day. Pick a day that is far enough down the road that you have to work to get there, but is not so distant that you cannot see it. This has to be a reasonable look into a future date you can see. To do this, answer as many pertinent, specific questions about life on that day as you can reasonably generate.
Step 3: Identify and make changes. Many people only change when crisis demands it. We go on a diet after our doctors say we are in danger, make a budget after we are in significant debt, and go to marriage counselors or pastors after the possibility of divorce has been put on the table. It is far wiser and more hopeful to make changes before crisis demands it.
The rest of your marriage is really up to you and your spouse. Our hope is that you would take these principles and tools to set in motion a great life together by God’s grace and the Holy Spirit’s power. We are praying that this would not be merely information, but something God would use for your marital transformation. Jesus loves you and so do we. Remember, the goal is progress, not perfection.
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FEATURED GUEST: Mark Driscoll
Pastor Mark Driscoll is the founding pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Washington and is one of the world’s most-downloaded and quoted pastors. His audience—fans and critics alike—spans the theological and cultural left and right. He was also named one of the “25 Most Influential Pastors of the Past 25 Years” by Preaching magazine, and his sermons are consistently #1 on iTunes each week for Religion & Spirituality with over 10 million of downloads each year.
