Answer (Dr. Gary Chapman): I remember in the early years of my marriage when I was plagued with the thought: Have I married the wrong person? And one of the reasons I was plagued with that thought is because we argued all of the time. Before marriage I don’t ever remember us arguing. I was willing to do whatever she wanted; she was willing to do whatever I wanted. We seemed never to have a conflict and I was shocked that we were arguing with each other…and that there were things we didn’t like about each other.
I think the reason we argued after marriage and not before is we were caught up in the euphoria of the in-love experience. It really does blind us to reality. You don’t see the other person’s weaknesses. You see only the positive things about them. Your mother may well have seen their weaknesses and may have said, “Honey, it seems to me like he loses his temper.” But we explain away those things when we’re in the euphoria.
Recognizing differences
In marriage, however, we come down off that high in two years and we see these differences that emerge. So, if we have no plan for handling conflicts, we end up doing what is natural–we see the world through our eyes and think our position is always the right position. So, we try to convince the other person that they’re wrong and we’re right and anyone in their right mind would agree with us. Then we condemn the other person’s ideas and feelings, and they do the same thing to us. Now, we find ourselves putting each other down instead of trying to understand each other.
What’s the solution?
The ultimate answer of course is recognizing differences are real and they’re always present; every couple will have differences. If you’re going to solve the differences, you have to try to see the world through the other person’s eyes. To do this, you get in the listening mode. When they’re talking you say, “I want to understand what you’re thinking and feeling.” Then you ask them questions to help them share and you affirm those feelings by saying, “I can see what you’re saying and it makes sense.” Then you can share your perspective and they listen to you and affirm your perceptive. We still disagree but we’re affirming each other. Then we can say, “let’s find a solution” and you spend your energy looking for a solution that is win-win, one that you can both agree on and that is good for both of you. That’s the key to processing differences without arguing.
