This Relationship Profile is designed to increase your awareness of your personal style of relating those you date. The more clarity you have about yourself and the person you are dating and want to spend time more with, the less likely you will be to repeat past mistakes. Creating healthy relationships begins with understanding of the kind of people you’ve been attracted to in the past. (Before you go further, you may want to print this Dating Inventory Chart pdf.)
Dating inventory
Reflect on your dating history by completing the Dating Inventory Chart. (If you don’t have a printer, you can create your own list as shown below.) Think back on your past dating relationships. Go through your old diaries, address books, electronic calendar, or Rolodex. List the names of all the people you’ve gone out with more than three times. After each name, complete each column of the chart by listing qualities that attracted you (attractive qualities), areas of concern you noted in the beginning, and negative qualities that surfaced as you spent more time with this person.
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Dating |
Inventory |
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Person’s Name |
Attractive qualities |
Areas of concern noted in the beginning |
Negative qualities that surfaced over time |
Pay special attention to the list of negatives. You could get creative and use different colored highlighters to mark any repeated negative traits. While the positives show what you think you were looking for, the negatives speak louder. They say, “This is what I find. This is what I keep ending up with.” (See chapter 1 of How NOT to Date a Loser for more information.)
Deal-Breakers
Find the five negative traits you listed most frequently on your dating inventory chart above. Write these five traits in the box labeled My Deal Breakers. Pledge to yourself: “I will not continue to date someone who. . . .” Although you have been attracted to this type of person in the past, decide that you will not settle for someone like this in the future. By writing down these traits and posting them where you can see them daily, you are more likely to be intentional about those with whom you spend your time and resources.
Fears that consume us
We are often attracted to losers because of our own fears. We might, for example, be afraid we will never find anyone to love us, so we settle for someone less than God’s best. Fears can unknowingly consume us and feed feelings of desperation. When we identify and deal with our relational fears, however, we are less likely to be driven by them. Chapter 2 of How NOT to Date a Loser gives more information on addressing your fears.
What are your main fears and concerns? Are they hindering your ability to make wise choices? Are your fears causing you to get pulled into the traps of others? Write them in the box labeled “Three Fears That Can Influence My Relationships.”
Here are examples of what creates feelings of panic and uneasiness in some singles:
What if I can’t make it on my own? die alone? get hurt again? lose my job? grow old alone? never have children? don’t have enough money to retire? hurt someone again? never experience sexual intimacy?
Blind spots
You may have learned when driving a car to be aware of your visual blind spots. It’s just as important when dating that we understand our emotional blind spots. Blind spots are those things we don’t see in ourselves or in others or things we discount as not being important when in reality they are quite significant.
Let’s look at what obvious things you might have missed in past relationships and write them in the box labeled “Three Blind Spots I’ve Ignored or Discounted.” Paying attention to what we ignored or missed in the past can give us clarity in our current or future relationships. Maybe someone you dated was extremely jealous, and you incorrectly assumed it was because they didn’t want to lose you. What you may have failed to notice or realize is that jealousy is not love and unreasonable jealousy can be an indicator of a potentially abusive relationship. Chapter 3 in How NOT to Date a Loser can help you to identify your blind spots.
Deal-Makers
It’s critical to be clear on what we want in a special someone so we don’t accept less. What kind of person are you seeking? What character qualities are most important to you? What are the core values you hold dear? Do you want someone who is committed to Christ, has integrity, sense of humor, and a heart to serve others? Or maybe you prefer someone who is generous, humble, compassionate, flexible, and reliable.
You might not find someone who has everything on your list, but at least you’ll know what you’re shooting for. (If you completed the 40 Make or Break Values Questions, you can write your top five values in the box labeled “Top Five Deal-Makers.”) Chapter 10 in How NOT to Date a Loser provides additional information in determining your top five deal-makers. Take the time to decide now before you get overwhelmed by that passionate “in love” feeling!
The truth about yourself
Chapter 6 in How NOT to Date a Loser addresses the erroneous beliefs we have about ourselves, God, and others. It’s important to delete these wrong, negative thoughts and replace them with the truth from God. We want to remind ourselves continually that just because we feel something is true doesn’t mean it is true.
Again, it may be helpful to ask those closest to you for help in recognizing the lies and distortions (about God, yourself and others) with which you especially struggle. After you have identified them, write down truths from Scripture that counter your incorrect beliefs and remind you of what God says.
Here are a few examples:
- I feel God doesn’t want me to be happy, but here’s what I choose to believe: “No good thing will he [God] withhold from those who walk along his paths” (Psalm 84:1).
- I feel I don’t have enough faith to believe God will help me, but here’s what I choose to believe: “Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I [God] shall rescue you, and you will honor Me” (Psalm 50:15).
Write several meaningful verses in the box labeled “Despite what I think and feel, God says this is true about me:”
Please put this dating relationship profile somewhere so you will see it often. Reviewing it will help you remember the things you have written so you will make smart relationship choices.
Adapted from “How NOT to Date a Loser: A Guide to Making Smart Choices” by Georgia Shaffer
