As I cleared out the dead leaves and debris from my flowerbeds and gardens in preparation for planting some pansies, I got to thinking about our emotional junk. We all have emotional junk—stuff we need to clear out so that we can grow. But some of us have many old hurts (stuff) that we have not cleared away.
We are stuck in our stuff when we allow our brokenness and pain to remain rather than leading to real change.
In our gardens it is usually easy to tell the dead, brown debris from the living, green things. Now and then, we have to stop and inspect things closely. Similarly in our emotions, we need to examine ourselves so that we can get rid of the pain.
Here are some symptoms that you are stuck in your stuff:
- I think only of my problems and my little world. I feel little or no empathy for what others are facing.
- I tend to isolate myself from others because I feel safer and more secure that way.
- I am easily hurt and offended. I am hypersensitive.
- I feel constantly dissatisfied and angry with the world.
- I look for constant approval and affirmation from others.
If you are stuck in your stuff, your bitterness and resentment will affect every aspect of your life from your work to your marriage and extended family relationships. The good news is you can gain from your pain. To gain and grow, please understand you need to be honest, vulnerable, and courageous.
Be honest. Being honest means to be real with yourself and with God. Sometimes we behave in an angry manner when we really are afraid. God knows exactly how you feel anyway, so there is no use trying to hide or pretend you feel something different from what you truly feel.
I love Henri Nouwen’s prayer in A Cry for Mercy:
Look at me, see me in all my misery and inner confusion, and let me sense your presence in the midst of my turmoil. All I can do is show myself to you. Yet, I am afraid to do so. I am afraid that you will reject me. But I know—with the knowledge of faith—you desire to give me your love. The only thing you ask of me is not to hide from you, not to run away in despair, not to act if you were a relentless despot. Take my tired body, my confused mind, and my restless soul into your arms, and give me rest, simple quiet rest.”
Why not try using Henri’s prayer now to bring your stuff to God?
Be vulnerable. Being vulnerable means being willing to take the risks necessary to heal. Those risks often include confessing to others where we have been wrong. Pat Lencioni, founder of a management consulting firm, has written several bestselling business books. His latest one is titled Get Naked. In it, he says the old adage “never let them see you sweat” is untrue.
Those who are comfortable being vulnerable—or naked—are rewarded with unsurpassed client gratitude and loyalty.”
He goes on to say that people almost always sense or know when we are uncertain or wrong. But we usually try to pretend we are invincible and hide our weaknesses. When we do that, we will see our credibility erode. A better option is to embrace what he calls our sweatiness, and show people, including our spouse, that we are honest and confident enough to earn their trust by being vulnerable.
Be courageous. It takes courage to face the uncomfortable and move through the pain. Dealing with pain is work. At times you feel like you are making no progress. But after you allow yourself to work through the sadness, the unresolved anger, and every other feeling you have related to the particular incident, you will find you are free—truly free.
When you are unstuck from your stuff, then you are free to grow and blossom.
Adapted from “Taking Out Your Emotional Trash: Face Your Feelings and Build Healthy Relationship.”
