As a child I never learned how to express my anger in healthy ways. In fact, I believed anger was a bad thing, probably because that’s what I learned from my parents. If someone even hinted that I might be angry I would say, “I’m not angry. I’m just upset.”
Many years later I finally understood that the real issue isn’t whether I get angry but what I do with my anger. Do I try to ignore or deny it? Do I express it in a selfish, harmful way? Or do I accept it and find constructive ways to handle it?
Most of us would agree that physical and verbal aggression, such as throwing things, hitting, name-calling, or cursing, are hurtful. But we don’t always recognize how harmful it is to express our anger with sarcasm or by giving someone the silent treatment. Failing to express our anger in an appropriate way will cause harm to our dating or marriage relationship.
Below are five ways we can express our anger destructively. Do you recognize yourself in any of following?
- Critical words: Criticism, as a destructive expression of anger, is finding fault or expressing disapproval of another person. Some experienced criticizers deliver their verbal jabs while smiling and end by saying, “I’m only telling you this for your own good.”
- Vengeful behavior: “I’ll get even with him,” Abby said after her husband was unfaithful to her. “He’s not going to get away with this.” The desire to get back at someone is a common reaction when we’ve been hurt. What we do next is what matters. Unless we address our unresolved anger, it will quickly harden into bitterness and negatively impact all our relationships.
- Sarcastic remarks: “I was only kidding” is a comment we often hear after someone has made a cutting remark and we are pulling out the knife and tending to our emotional wound. That person may even tell us we are too sensitive if we say we are hurt. He or she may respond, “I didn’t mean anything by it. Can’t you take a joke?”
- Withdrawing communication: Temporarily leaving the scene of a heated argument can be a good thing. But distancing ourselves becomes destructive when we do it to avoid communicating with someone. People who withdraw often refuse to answer emails or calls—sometimes for days, weeks, or years.
- Withholding something: Maybe we don’t give someone the silent treatment, but we get stingy with our time, attention, intimacy, money and other resources. We hold back the very thing we know the person wants or needs.
Whether we tend to use criticism, sarcasm, or give the silent treatment, we want stop behaving in a destructive manner when we are angry. Instead, let’s cultivate the habit of expressing our anger constructively. How?
When I’m angry, I’ve found it helpful first of all to admit to myself that I’m angry. Then I choose to do something physical, like take a walk, workout, garden, or clean my home. Journaling is another way I process my anger. On more than one day my journal has become a trash can where I dump my emotional junk. I also talk to God about this issue, praying about the situation and asking God to help me deal with it in a godly way.
You may choose to express your anger by talking to a friend or counselor, addressing a relational issue, or finding new solutions to old problems. Just remember, the goal is not to get rid of all anger but to intentionally express it in a healthy way.
Be angry, and yet do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26, NASB).
