Dad, aren’t we going to have a family wrap up tonight?”
Feeling a twinge of shame for forgetting, I responded to my oldest, “Oh yeah, thanks for remembering buddy. Tell the other kids to go get in my bed, and I’ll be right there.”
It was a surprising moment for me. My oldest son wanting to get together with the family to end our week. To talk. Our son, the one who’s favorite response to any question is usually one word. He remembered, I did not. Thank you, God.
In a professional setting, I run men’s therapy groups and one of the questions that I ask the participants is to revisit or confront anything or anyone from our last meeting together. It challenges the men to confront an issue, statement, or person from something that’s happened in the past week. By ‘something’, I mean conflict, and conflict is ‘always’ happening. It’s impossible to be in a relationship and there be no conflict. The question and challenge to the group usually proves to be the most difficult part because confronting people in a face-to-face manner is not something people do very often. We tend to take more passive or passive-aggressive approaches towards confronting others.
We will gossip, post something nondescript to a social media site, mutter under our breath, hold a grudge, or intentionally unintentionally elbow someone close to us. To go face-to-face with someone is to recognize that they are a person, not an object. Seeing others as a subject has a way of softening our rough patches. Most of the time, the last option we take is to go face-to-face with someone we have a problem with, or with someone who has hurt us. We like the control and power we feel when we’re angry or feel justified in silence towards the other.
These confrontations in the group are healing. It’s a safe place for people to work out being people. Yes, these conversations are hard, but they offer a different opportunity on how to handle conflict by facing it boldly. Confronting others is Love embodied. It takes a great risk to confront someone about a statement they made, or an action they did.
Because these experiences in the group setting are so healing, I wanted to see if the same might be true for our family. Our family values apologies and forgiveness, but it’s often times canned and forced because of time constraints. So, on Sunday evenings I ask our family to form a circle in the living room and for us to review the previous week. After we are seated, I ask one question: “Do you have someone you want to encourage or confront about the past week?”
What happens after this question is magical. You can almost hear the heavens parting as the chorus Hallelujah rings forth (parents, you understand).
My four year old will bring up being tripped 5 days ago by his older sister. They will talk it through, hug, and laugh. I get to ask forgiveness for being short tempered with my son, or not helpful with house chores. I also get to highlight something my daughter did that was extraordinary.
But the greatest gift that I see is we all get a chance to experience forgiveness, emotional expression, and grace together. We often play a game at the end of our time together, which helps us to remember that play is an important aspect of relationships. Our wrap-ups have gotten longer and fuller every week. I suspect that this will be something that we smile about when we look back in 20 years.
This isn’t a concept that works just with groups, families, or friends. It works with couples, too. It’s a great exercise for you and your partner to put into practice on a regular basis. You might fight more in the short term, but in the life-long race that is marriage, it will help the two of you stay connected. Implementing these 10-15 minute conversations into your weekend will go a long way in helping to establish a habit of expressing and confronting difficult issues in your relationship.
One of the byproducts of practicing this is a sense of safety in your relationship. All people need to know that they have a “home” for shelter. Your marriage can be that shelter, but it will take work. Knowing that this wrap up is coming at the end of the week will give freedom to each of you to speak up and not fear the distance that’s created by unresolved conflict.
