Have you, as a couple, ever wondered where much of the time you used to spend together has gone? Has the “busy-ness” of household routines, family responsibilities, and the various obligations of life crowded out opportunities for alone time together? What ever happened to the joys and attentions of courtship?
Many of the couples whom I see, especially young couples with children, appear exhausted by the responsibilities thrust upon them, and many are perpetually worried about how they can keep up financially. These concerns have only multiplied with the continued economic malaise we have been living in for the past several years.
Listening to them recite their overburdened schedules—and their sense of isolation from one another—is to hear their frustration about their socially shrunken world and their lack of free time and energy to devote to each other. Conflicts, sometimes over the smallest things, have taken over control of their relationship, ironically stealing even more precious time. They find themselves at each other’s throats, usually with little understanding of how they got to that point. They yearn for the “good feelings” again, fearing that maybe their courtship memories were merely an illusion.
Yet, they plug on with their non-stop agendas, increasingly resigned to the idea that finding in marriage something more heart-stirring—and restorative—than mere routine is reserved for romance novels, not reality.
Guard against self deprivation
You might be surprised that couples caught in this sort of bind don’t do more to change what’s happening to them. But, often, they seem to be trapped in a prison of their own making, dictated by what they see as the “demands” of the situation. In their sense of helplessness, they’re convinced that what they want doesn’t really matter anymore. That’s when their marriages start becoming more an arrangement of unappreciated responsibilities and unfulfilled dreams.
But, haven’t we been told in church over and over again that what matters to God should matter to us? You might say, “Well sure, Bible studies, prayer, and developing our spiritual lives are all important to God…so, we should purpose to do these things.”
True, but what is the central message of Scripture if it isn’t God telling you,
You matter to me, so much so that I sent my Son to die on the cross for you, to pay a debt he didn’t owe for a debt you couldn’t pay.”
If you are that important to God, why do you treat yourself as if you don’t matter? Isn’t how we treat ourselves and each other part of following Him too?
Only when you treat yourself with the same grace that God does will you be likely to serve others in selfless ways. When you resign yourself to deprivation, you become increasingly self-focused, and often either self-hating or self-pitying. If that happens, your marriage will correspondingly suffer. You will also become less likely to be proactive in seeking necessary change.
Time for a change
So, what does this have to do with crazy schedules, the absence of time alone together, and the rising tide of frustration in your marriage?
For starters, it means intentionally carving out time for one another (and time for yourself), making it a priority to arrange a schedule that includes calculated breaks that pace your day or your week. Don’t give up doing this merely because it’s difficult or because “there are just too many things on my plate”. It may require you to think outside the box, but it’s important both for your own sanity and for the sake of your marriage.
You will be making a bold statement that the relationship between you and your spouse is important enough to take the time necessary to keep it flourishing. Indeed, you will follow the model of Jesus Himself.
At various times throughout the Gospels, it is recorded that Jesus withdrew into the mountains or wilderness (or, at least from the crowds), sometimes to be by Himself to pray and sometimes to be with His disciples (e.g., Matt. 14:22-23; Mk. 1:35-37; 3:7-14; 6:45-46; Luke 5:15; 6:12; 9:28). In other words, He needed time to recharge His batteries, to either commune with the Father or to further His relationship with His intimate friends. Not uncommonly, the people would press Him to stay and do more preaching or more healing. But because He was fully man as well as fully God, He knew His human physical limits.
Remember what happened when He left the crowds behind and climbed into a boat carrying His disciples and launched onto the Sea of Galilee? That’s right! A violent storm arose and threatened to capsize the boat. Although the disciples were in a state of panic, what was Jesus doing? He was asleep in the bow! How on earth, the disciples thought, could Jesus be sleeping at a time like this? Among other things, what this recorded episode demonstrated was just how exhausted Jesus was and why He knew that He needed time away from the pressing throngs.
There was no evidence of guilt or of defiance for doing this…only a quiet resolve to recognize when He (or His disciples) needed a break.
If Jesus knew the importance of a time away from His responsibilities and a time set aside for developing His relationship with His disciples, how then can we neglect such things? We are inspired by Jesus’ own ministry to take time out of our busy schedules to focus on personal restoration and spousal cultivation.
Understanding why it’s important to avoid a lifestyle of emotional deprivation in our relationships fosters not only self-respect but also a greater appreciation of God’s redemptive grace found in His creative design for marriage. Is it any wonder that He uses the concept of marriage to define His relationship with His people?
What now?
I encourage each of you to discuss with your spouse the amount of time you spend together and whether that’s enough to adequately nurture your relationship. I’m not talking about time to do more tasks or projects, but actual time you spend on attending to one another, creating special memories that nourish the soul. Remember, the best thing you will ever do for your children is to continuously work on your marriage.
What many children are missing today is not “things,” but rather a happy two-parent family. The beginning of emotional dysfunction in children often starts with their inability to adequately cope with disruptive strife in the home. Allocating quality alone time for mom and dad, husband and wife, isn’t just a luxury; it’s an imperative for the emotional health of both marriage and family.
That’s why God created time for our personal and collective fulfillment:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven” (Ecc. 3: 1).
That’s why, too, Jesus considered how His time was used to be integral to following the will of His Father. We would do well to do the same.
