Chris walked in the house at 6:20, a full twenty minutes later than he had told his wife Sarah. This was not the first time, nor would it be the last. Dinner was already on the table, the kids were antsy and anxious to eat, and it was clear from Sarah’s body language that Chris was in the doghouse. After a frantic two plus hours of eating, cleaning, homework, baths, and bedtime rituals, Chris and Sarah had it out. After the last kid was put to bed, they went downstairs. On the way down, Sarah began criticizing Chris for lying to her, not respecting her, and blowing her off. Chris quickly defended himself stating that it was only twenty minutes, and traffic delayed his arrival. Chris continued to fortify his position, hoping to strike some sense into his overemotional wife. She needed to see that it was not that big of a deal. His goal, perhaps unconscious, was to convince Sarah that she was stressed and that she overreacted towards him. He refused to believe that she was right in what she felt. The conversation quickly deteriorated into a vicious blaming game that ended after fifteen minutes when Sarah stormed out of the room declaring she was done for the night and going to bed.
I’ve heard this fight happen in my office countless times. It’s a classic fight about needs, expectations, and hurt feelings. Sometimes couples, myself included, can avoid these spiraling interactions/fights, but more often than not the very smallest of hurt or disappointment leads to an overwhelming barrage of emotional discord.
Different perspectives
If you were to observe and follow Chris and Sarah’s interaction, given that it did not stop, it would be a rapid series of reactions and responses that lead farther and farther away from the main issue all the while hovering just far enough around the emotional core of the relationship. In the above scenario, the main issue is Sarah’s hurt feelings about Chris being 20 minutes late getting home from work. Chris felt her reaction towards him was not equal with the offense. If they were rating the offense on a scale of 1-10, Chris felt that it was a 3 while Sarah felt that it was a 7.
When couples have different perspectives on the severity of an issue at hand, they will inevitably end up in a stalemate. Neither partner will feel that his or her needs were understood or met, and this results in a growing sense of disconnectedness in the relationship.
If the focus is solely on the reactions, the more emotional partner will generally be blamed for being irrational and asking for too much while the more unemotional partner will be blamed for not caring or being disengaged. It’s very likely that the blaming is accurate in it’s judgement, but blaming or judging in a time of discord will rarely, if ever, produce a positive interaction. Pointing the finger puts people on the defensive and shores up their defensive mechanisms or strategies.
Often times one of the partners, usually the unemotional, will want to focus solely on the issue at hand and nothing more. Trying to eliminate all past behaviors from the conversation is like removing the skeleton from someone and expecting them to stand up. It’s just not going to happen. Past behaviors and experiences in relationships create a skeletal system for how the relationship operates and exists. Relationships are built on encounters with each other and thus the arrival 20 minutes late might stand on it’s own as a single event in time, but it arouses various emotional memories and responses that are very much just as valid. Refusing to acknowledge these past experiences and behaviors will always lead to couples ending a disagreement apart from one another.
The heart of the conflict
Instead of focusing just on the reaction or issue, try focusing on both simultaneously. I believe that in doing this couples will get to the heart of the conflict: Connection. When we have a connection with someone, not just our partner, we have emotional capital. Remember back to when you and your partner first began dating. You thrived on the connection with each other. Little things did not bother you. Grace, mercy, forgiveness, and benefit of the doubt all came readily and easily as the two of you built your relationship. As time passes, the excitement thins out and you start to get into fights here and there that erode that connection you once had. So often in the middle of a counseling session, someone will say something to the effect of, “I wish we could go back and date again.” Dating and courtship is a thrilling ride that doesn’t really do much to prepare you for a committed and lasting relationship.
Fostering connection together is hard work. It takes a lot of intentionality and focus, but the payoff is huge. In focusing your efforts on listening to your partner on both their reaction and the issue at hand, you’ll be able spend less time considering your own defenses and unmet needs. It’s really resisting what my wife terms the tyranny of the now. Buying into and selling out to what you feel right now is emotional immaturity. It doesn’t consider the past or future and often times resembles a 4 year old being denied the permission to eat a cookie right before dinner. In their mind, the world really might end right now. This type of interaction will slowly kill a relationship.
If an interaction is spiraling downward consider these questions:
- What are we fighting about?
- What am I feeling? About myself/My partner?
- Am I defensive? Is my partner defensive?
