I get some pretty crazy emails. Some I sign up for and wish that I hadn’t, and others seem to filter into my inbox on their own. If you’re like me, perhaps you’ve been racked with guilt because you didn’t forward an email to 10 people within 30 seconds and therefore may be the cause of famine in the world. Or maybe you’ve been lucky enough to receive emails from African royalty who simply need me to wire them some money.
My favorite of all, though, is the email from a distant ex-girlfriend, who after being held up at gunpoint and stranded in London, somehow had the clarity of mind to email me after 5 years of not having contact! I knew she still cared.
The “reply don’t forward” tactic
While it certainly has its downfalls, email has taught me a very important lesson about managing conflict in relationships. Just this week, my supervisor, Gabriela and I were talking about a couple I was seeing for marital counseling. As I so often do, I blurted out something profound in the midst of my rambling. As I paused to take a breath I looked up to see an astonished look run across her face. She asked me to repeat what I had said. I rewound my tape a few more seconds and got back to where Gabriela wanted to hear more. I said about the husband,
If he hadn’t forwarded his negative emotions to his kids and instead had just hit reply with his wife they’d be in a completely different conversation.”
“Reply, don’t forward,” my supervisor repeated. “Those are good words to live by.”
When you’re feeling upset, don’t unconsciously pass the negativity along to other people. The classic example is that Dad is upset as he comes home from work and yells at his wife. The wife holds onto the anger her husband just brought home with him and takes it out on the kid doing his homework. The kid storms off from the table and having no one else to pass the negativity to, he kicks the dog. At any point in that scenario, I guess except once it gets to the dog, anyone can change the situation by choosing to hit reply instead of forwarding the upset on to the next person in line.
The dog can growl. The kid can tell his mom he doesn’t like being yelled at. The wife can tell her husband that he needs to work through his anger responsibly and not simply take it out on her. The dad can get the support he needs to speak more honestly and openly with his boss. Just forwarding negativity and dealing with it indirectly begins to establish a pretty destructive pattern that often results in relational fallout and distress.
Just think of how different the above situation would be if someone in that system decided to orient to personal responsibility and truth. By choosing to engage at a more conscious level, you can learn to hit reply and respond responsibly instead of irresponsibly forwarding the negativity on to others.
In conclusion
The next time you go to respond to an emotional situation or conflict, especially in a marriage relationship, think of how to best respond. At any time in the midst of conflict, either person can choose to change the situation. Ironically that choice to engage in a solution informs the basis for a solid, healthy relationship where conflict gets a reply instead of being unnecessarily forwarded to another loved one.
