In the past year, my 9 year old son has developed a new hobby: Baking cookies. Of our 4 kids, he is the last one I’d have guessed to be our little chef. Something I’ve noticed is that he loves to serve and share his cooking and cookies just as much as he likes to eat them. Furthermore, he’s often very protective of the finished product, fending off his siblings as they attempt to get the biggest or freshest cookie.
Though he’s just 9, he is expressing a part of himself that some adults I know are terrified of. He is creating an experience for the family. Rarely is he in the kitchen by himself, and that’s not because his mom or I are scared, rather it’s that cooking is a communal process. When he cooks, his brother and sister congregate around him, and so do I. We get to take part of a process and experience with him something that otherwise wouldn’t exist: In most cases, cookies.
Relationships are created and built on communal experiences, like cooking and eating. When people express themselves in creative ways, others are drawn near. It’s nearly impossible to pass by something created and not take notice. When was the last time freshly baked cookies were cooling in the kitchen, and you neglected to notice (or eat one)?
In a lot of marriages once the experience of getting married becomes stale, it’s really difficult for couples to connect in everyday life. Why? Because they stop creating experiences together. When couples stop creating together, the relationship suffers and sometimes dies.
Food is necessary for our survival. We can eat ramen noodles and be nourished (albeit poorly) just the same that we could eat filet oscar. The main difference in the two is the process in which how these were made of how the food was made. Cooking takes time, energy, and effort. You have to prepare, cook, and clean. The time that it takes to cook is always greater than the time it takes to consume.
Baking or cooking is just one experience of creativity that happens very infrequently in relationships. If one of you likes to cook and the other doesn’t, try doing it together. At the very least the one who does the majority of the cooking needs to be applauded and enjoyed in what they have created. Your experience may be different than mine, but when I prepare food and invite others to enjoy, I want them to enjoy every bite … and to let me know about it. It makes my creation all the more enjoyable and affirming when others tell me of their experience.
Enjoying a cookie because you know what it took to make it is like a relationship that is able to appreciate the story and makeup of the individuals. Store bought cookies aren’t that good because there’s not much care and time put into making the cookie. But a cookie made at home, it’s shape, flavor, feel, all tell the story of the time and care it took for the baker to make them. Same in relationships. If you’re not talking to your spouse about what makes you tick the way you do, either on a macro or micro level, they aren’t going to appreciate or know the final product very well.
