“Georgia!” my father yelled. “If you don’t straighten out, we’re going to drop you off right there.”
He pointed to the large sterile hospital-like building that they called the children’s home. “That’s where they put children like you.” I had been picking on my little brother as we rode in the backseat of the car.
This experience, and others like it, caused me to believe if I made someone mad or unhappy they would leave me. And even today, more than 40 years later, I still catch myself striving to please others. The problem is this people-pleasing attitude interferes with my ability to authentically connect with others. Instead of being the person God created me to be, I try to be whatever I think someone wants me to be.
Most of us feel our parents could have been more accepting or different in some way. The issue isn’t whether we had a perfect, loving, and supportive family. The real issue is discovering the patterns or defining messages we learned in childhood that impact our relationships today.
Intimacy blockers are any behaviors, patterns, or habits that inhibit our ability to give or receive love. You can begin uncovering yours by thinking about what it was like growing up in your family.
To help you get started, I’ll ask you some questions. As you read, think about your childhood and your actions today.
What did your parents, or whoever acted in a parental role, model about handling conflict?
Did your parents avoid conflict entirely and pretend everything was okay, or did they punish one another with the silent treatment? When your parents had a disagreement, did they show respect for each other, listen intently, and work to solve the issue? Or did one of them blow up while the other shut up?
How do you handle conflict today? If any of the following examples accurately describe you, realize this will affect your ability to connect with others (or them with you) in an open and honest way.
Examples of Conflict Intimacy Blockers:
- Avoiding conflict at all costs
- Failing to express your true feeling for fear of rejection
- Physically acting out anger instead of using words and speaking with respect
- Withdrawing physically and emotionally
- Giving the silent treatment to others
- Placating or giving in just to keep the peace
- Having an affair to “punish” the other person
- Blaming the other person for your anger
How did your parents handle bad times and loss?
Did your parents acknowledge their difficulties and talk about their feelings of sadness and pain? Perhaps you saw one or both of them use food or alcohol for regular comfort. Maybe they shut down or became super busy. In some families, we learn that it’s important to keep up the image that all is well even when life spins out of control. We learn people don’t talk about “things like that.”
How do you handle loss and bad times? Do any of the following descriptors apply to you?
Examples of Season of Difficulty Intimacy Blockers:
- Numbing pain with food, alcohol, sex, drugs, work, or busyness
- Withdrawing from others
- Pretending all is well
- Refusing to discuss the obvious—“ignoring the elephant in the room”
- Attempting to control everything
What did your parents model about rules and authority?
Did your parents respect authority, or did they criticize those in charge? Was your father a drill sergeant and your mother easy going? Maybe your father was passive and your mother a perfectionist? Jenn’s father told her, “You will either respect me or you will fear me” while her mother warned, “You’d better not make me mad.”
Do any of the following descriptors apply to you regarding the way you handle authority or rules?
Examples of Authority Intimacy Blockers:
- Having an attitude of “It’s my way or the highway”
- Failing to set clear boundaries because it takes too much effort
- Using threats and fear to control others
- Disrespecting, criticizing, or demeaning authority figures
- Passively going along with others without thinking for yourself
What did your parents communicate about love?
Were your parents warm and open with their affirmations and hugs? Some parents never verbalize their feelings, but you know by their actions that they love you. Perhaps your parents reassured you with comments like, “Of course we love you.”
In Alex’s family there were no outward displays of affection and he was never told he was loved. In fact, to him the message communicated was, “We wish you never had been born.”
What do you believe about love? Would those closest to you say that you display any of the following characteristics?
Examples of Affection Intimacy Blockers:
- Believing and acting as if love is a feeling that comes and goes
- Believing and acting as if once love fades, it is over
- Believing and acting as if love is something you must earn
- Believing and acting as if I’m unlovable
- Communicating that people have little or no value; they’re objects to be used
Until we are aware of how our history influences the choices we make today, we will continue to repeat unhealthy behaviors. Once we become aware of what our past taught us, however, we can learn to minimize their destructive effects.
Take the next step toward positive change by reading my article How to Overcome Your Intimacy Blockers.
Adapted from How NOT to Date a Loser: A Guide to Making Smart Choices
