If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
I repeated this to myself in complete silence for more than an hour as I sat on the couch next to a brand-new messenger bag and a confused fiancé.
I couldn’t believe my fiancé, Michael, would buy himself something that, to me, seemed so useless and overpriced. He showed me all of the bag’s features and I was on board until he told me the cost. Let me just say, it was expensive—really expensive.
With our wedding just two and a half months away, how could he even think about buying something so costly? Doesn’t he know that I’m saving every penny I can and placing them in a savings account for us? Doesn’t he know that his car isn’t in the best shape and we’ll need all the money we can get to buy a new one once it dies? Doesn’t he know that spending that much money on something like a school bag makes me feel like he cares more about himself than about us?
No. The truth is, he didn’t know. Why? Because I chose to remain silent instead of expressing my concerns in a respectful manner.
I know Michael works hard for his money and we’re not married yet, so it’s his to spend on whatever he wants. But in that moment I felt like he didn’t care about me or us. And I wondered if it would always be that way, if he would always spend his money on things that only benefited him.
After a discussion with some married friends of ours, who also happen to be leading our premarital counseling, I learned my fiancé did have some valid and understandable reasons for purchasing that bag. And, as I well know (when I’m not fuming over a backpack), he does have our best interests in mind.
I know this is one of many lessons Michael and I will learn as we get closer to our wedding and certainly as we journey into marriage. Too many times, I say things that no one should ever say to someone they love. So this time, I said nothing at all, which ended up being just as detrimental as if I had spoken harshly to Michael. I’m learning there is a balance between the two reactions; we can communicate our feelings with each other without being hurtful.
A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” – Proverbs 15:4
I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” – Matthew 12:36-37
When it comes to disagreements with your fiancé(e) or spouse, how do you react?
