I had a rare morning out with a friend last week. We sipped yummy coffee and enjoyed quiet conversation. As a mom of two little kids, outings like this are a treat. I couldn’t have done it without my hubby who watched the kids while I was gone (he even managed to do the laundry and dishes!). He’s wonderful.
Even so, when I got home, I was cranky. I griped at my husband and pointed out the jobs he didn’t accomplish in my absence. I wouldn’t have fed the kids that. I definitely wouldn’t have dressed them in those clothes!
As I heard the shrill sound of my own voice, I wondered what was wrong with me. Why was I acting this way? Then I remembered some of the turns my conversation had taken during my morning getaway.
My friend said things like:
I told him it’s my decision. He may not like it, but I have the final say.
My husband’s been working a lot of overtime. I’m so aggravated. He never sees the kids.
He mowed over my flowers again. I don’t know how many times I have to show him the difference between a flower and a weed.”
Harmless comments, right? After all, don’t two girlfriends deserve the right to vent? I no longer think so.
My coffee-loving friend is a committed Christian. I happen to know she adores her husband of more than a decade. But she’s forgotten the power of her words when it comes to her husband. I can say from experience that her memory loss is contagious.
She’s not my first friend to speak poorly of her husband. I’ve hung out with men bashers before. It always amazes me how easily I slip into a pattern of negativity and criticism when I have frequent contact with such women. It is a habit that doesn’t make much sense to me. I’m crazy about my husband. There are so many reasons to brag on him and so few reasons to complain. And yet, when I spend time with a husband hater, it doesn’t take long for the bashing to begin at my house. Even worse, I’ve noticed that my heart tends to follow my words (and vice versa). The more I talk negatively, the less I admire, love, and respect my man.
There’s a lesson to be learned here. There’s no such thing as harmless conversation. I think that’s why Paul wrote:
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)
This passage is especially helpful when we apply it to how we talk about our significant other. In public and in private we need to be committed to esteeming them highly and speaking words that build up instead of tearing down.
So what about my husband-hater friend?
Do I ditch her? Call her out? Cut off the coffee dates until her words sound more like a Hallmark card? I don’t think so. Instead I will look for every opportunity to speak highly of my man when she’s around. If the conversation goes south, I’ll make an extra effort to steer it in a different direction. I may even bring along a friend who has a history of speaking well of men to our next java stop.
The bottom line is that my friend’s mouth is not my responsibility. It’s my job to love my husband well and to speak highly of others at every opportunity. The same responsibility rests on your shoulders. Let me encourage you to ask yourself this question before you speak about your mate today:
Will this build him/her up or tear him/her down?”
If your words are more likely to do harm than good, hold your tongue and ask God to work in that area of your mate’s life that you think needs improvement.
If you’re an engaged couple, take note that part of preserving a strong marriage is protecting it from unnecessary sources of strain. Make the choice now to invest in friendships with others who esteem marriage and speak highly of their significant other.
