I was reading a story the other day about a man who started spending a lot of time with a woman. They became close friends and she would help him in all sorts of ways, from making him food to doing his laundry, which he really enjoyed (who wouldn’t?). Then, when it came time for him to move to a new city, he told her the relationship wouldn’t work out and you can probably guess her response…
But I thought we were moving toward marriage!”
After quite a bit of soul searching, he asked himself the below questions (my paraphrase):
- How does a man or woman who loves God protect the heart of the other and refrain from hurting his or her feelings in the dating process?
- Can a man and woman spend one-on-one time together and be just friends?
I have heard a good amount of opinions on the answers to both of those questions and I’m not sure there is a right one. A friend reminded me the other day that when we are in a healthy place ourselves, in our “right minds,” the fruit of being in that place pours out into healthy decision making, especially in relationships.
For me, when I’m not in a healthy place, I tend to anxiously take the reigns and manage all areas of my life alone. When I am in a healthy place, I surrender my circumstances, do my best and let others help guide me. With the latter attitude, I am more accepting of myself and others, and tend to manage my relationships in a healthy way–with boundaries.
So, ultimately, what does it look like to engage with the opposite sex in a healthy way–especially in the dating stage? Here are seven suggestions that I thought might be helpful (they have helped me, too!):
- Enjoy dating. It’s fun to take the time to hang out with and get to know someone! Then decide together if the two of you want to move forward with the relationship or not.
- Don’t rush it. Make space for the relationship to breath. Smothering it will likely only make it fizzle.
- Facebook “stalking” the person will only make you think about him or her more. Give it a rest…no really, close that browser window!
- When you’re with the other person, ask them a few questions and be genuinely interested in what they have to say. People’s stories are truly fascinating…
- Go into a first date with this mindset: It’s okay if it doesn’t work out. Yes, there is a chance you or the other person may not want to go out on another date and that is perfectly acceptable.
- Rejection time and time again can feel like a real blow to your self-esteem. It’s okay to feel that way. Share your woes with a trusted friend and move forward.
- When it’s clear to you that the relationship won’t lead toward a committed relationship, it’s respectful to communicate that to the other person (avoiding their calls is NOT a healthy approach). Then the two of you can move on rather than form a romantic bond that won’t last. The longer you wait…the worse it will be.
- Observe if the other person is in a healthy spot to date. For a very extreme example, if the other person is on a “break” from their long-term girlfriend or boyfriend, they are probably not in the best place to date another person.
If your heart truly is in the right place–when you make an effort to live in a solid community, have a concern for others and not just yourself, as well as realize that you are ultimately not in control–you will more naturally make life-giving, healthy choices that will be honoring to yourself and to the other person.
That being said, how would you answer the questions I posed at the beginning of this post? (to jog your memory, I’ve included them below).
- How does a man or woman who loves God protect the heart of the other and refrain from hurting his or her feelings in the dating process?
- Can a man and woman spend one-on-one time together and be just friends?
