My beliefs about women are rooted in my childhood experiences, and those outdated beliefs form the programming that runs my internal computer. If you don’t fit into my Mom, Sister, or Grandma data set, I might not pay you much attention. Not because you are boring or don’t interest me, but mostly because you are like a “404 File Not Found” error to my program. You become an anomaly that I disregard so that my female profiling software still runs properly.
So what are these outdated beliefs you might ask?
- Women are judgmental, controlling, and catty.
- Women are competitive, jealous, and overbearing.
- Women have the capacity to care deeply and yet don’t offer that freely in relationship.
- Women love with strings attached.
I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that these beliefs reveal more about my biases than they reveal the truth about women!
In fact, as I open my eyes and my mind I am meeting more and more women who do not fit into my outdated categories. In order for me to be more authentically in relationship with women and see them for who they are and not who I make them out to be, I need to debug the coding that runs my software. With my current coding and mistaken beliefs intact, I run the risk of dismissing most of the women in my life and missing out on the connection and support that comes from getting close.
Fear is Not an Excuse.
My biggest relational fear in the past has been that, as a result of getting close with a woman, I would lose my identity (stated dramatically, I’d cease to exist!). In addition to having feared being overrun, overpowered, and overwhelmed, I was also afraid that I wasn’t strong or developed enough to set boundaries and stand my ground.
However, I am seeing that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. I have other ways of developing my sense of self than simply avoiding close relationships with women. In fact, I am capable of having it both ways. I can maintain a strong sense of myself and allow myself to be known more deeply.
Life Lived in Relationship is More Fun!
I am coming to see a beautiful and mutual dependence that men and women have with one another. I have grown a lot in the past few years. I have learned that depending on others does not mean that I am incapable of taking care of myself, or that I now owe the other person. Depending on others means that I am allowing them to serve and care for me and show their love and respect for me through service—no strings attached!
By working through my mistaken beliefs about the opposite sex, pushing through my fear, and allowing myself to have fun instead of freaking out, I allow myself to be more present in my relationships. A more fully-present me allows for more authentic engagement with my partner, and sets the stage for both of us to create the intimacy and closeness for which we both hunger
With that said, I have a couple of questions for you to think about:
- How might your limiting beliefs about the opposite sex be holding you back from the intimacy and closeness that you deserve in relationships?
- What beliefs need to be challenged, and what support will you need to follow through?
Leave your thoughts by commenting below.
