I challenged myself to run at a faster pace this morning. My legs ached and my body felt tired. Giving up seemed like a pretty good option half way through the run. But instead I played “The Happy Song” really loud and kept going (video embedded at the end of this post). I like to think the aches are a sign that my muscles are growing stronger, preparing my body for the next run.
This morning during my devotional time, my heart ached. I felt like throwing in the white flag, “God, that’s it, I’m finished” I told Him (although I’m not sure what I was going to be finished with). Over the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling like there is a giant mountain between me and God, like He is holding out on me. There have been no spiritual revelations or feelings of immense peace like I’ve had in the past. I know He’s here but I can’t feel Him. It’s an uncomfortable spot to be in and I don’t like feeling uncomfortable.
Before, when I’ve been in a similar place, I’ve panicked when I couldn’t feel God near me. I didn’t understand why He left (He didn’t actually leave). I took it as a sign that I needed to make a drastic change quickly—hop a flight to a new country, take a class, start a new hobby, commit to another ministry, fill my schedule with social events—anything to make me feel something…anything, even if that feeling was exhaustion. So I did…and it didn’t help.
This time, at first, I felt sorry for myself and thought, “What did I do wrong to deserve this numb, disconcerting state again?” Prayer and reading Scripture didn’t seem to help. Neither did going to church or hanging out with friends. I did feel a tinge of something when I served at a Christmas event at my church. The opportunity to love grateful families in my community boosted my Spirit and gave me hope. So I praised God for those sweet hopeful moments. It was as if He was saying, “just keep waiting, I’m here.” I asked Him to give me wisdom and strength and so He did. While I wait for this season to pass, I try to have the utmost gratitude for little things He blesses my days with, like getting good news from a friend, an opportunity to serve someone else or a peaceful walk.
Remaining faithful this time is a little bit easier than last time and I’m not quick to make a rash decision like I did before. I’m waiting it out with faith that God knows and will meet all of my needs. So as uncomfortable as it is to wait and not take action, I’ll get out of His way and let Him guide my feet.
Like the barren trees outside my window, waiting for spring to come when their vibrant flowering leaves grow back, I’m still waiting for this season to change and my passion to be rekindled.
When the Israelites were in the dessert, there were times when they doubted God’s promise to them. They didn’t know that He was working behind the scenes, that he had a good plan and that they needed to faithfully wait in their dusty wilderness. They wouldn’t be there forever and He provided for them while they were there.
Paul gives me hope in his letter to the Corinthians, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).
Hebrews also reminds me to encourage others who are going through trials and to be open to receiving encouragement from them, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works” (Hebrews 10:24).
God knows I will face affliction but my faith in Him will sustain me, strengthen me and then prepare me for the next trial. All I can do is my best to love God and other people, even when I don’t feel like it, and let Him do the rest. He will!
