We are smack dab in “the most wonderful time of year”—the holiday trio of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. There are parties to attend, gifts to exchange, and meals to be shared with family and friends, near and far. But, for many single adults, the holiday season comes with a mixed bag of emotions—genuine happiness and hope for the future alongside fear and frustration over unmet desires. Yes, there is wonder…but there is also “I wonder why?”
Over the past month, I’ve read a lot of articles about Christian singleness. They range from excellent advice on how to minister to single adults in the church to why so many “dudes” aren’t growing up and getting married. The information in the articles is great for feeling understood and encouraged as a single Christian woman, but what I enjoy just as much is sifting through the comments left by readers. They communicate a glimpse into a man or woman’s heart, a sharing of feelings that might not otherwise be spoken aloud in person, but are willingly spilled onto a relatively anonymous comment box online.
In other words, many of us who are single greatly desire to be married and don’t know what went wrong, or why it hasn’t happened, or if it ever will. And the holidays, in my opinion, can be the hardest time of the year.
So, what can we do to remain grateful and hopeful amidst the flurry of reminders that yes, another year has passed, and yes, we’re still single?
Gratitude
In my online reading, I often come across comments such as this: “I’m a 32-year-old man, I enjoy my job and work hard, I serve in my church, and I have good relationships with family and friends. Why won’t a girl go out with me?” or “I’m a 28-year-old woman, I own my house, am working on my master’s degree, and love to spend time with my married friends and their kiddos. My life is wonderful, but I can’t seem to get a date. Why am I still single?”
To be honest, I’ve lamented to friends in much the same way, half jokingly, half seriously. It’s hard to be a Christian single in the years (or decades) beyond college, when everyone else in our age demographic is married and most have children. It can be painfully lonely, even within the church…especially within the church at times. It’s a fierce battle to remain sexually pure in a sex-saturated world, and it can be difficult to live with the knowledge that the window for childbearing is narrowing considerably without a potential husband in sight.
However, what I came to see over time was the ingratitude I was harboring in my heart, much like the readers’ comments above. Instead of focusing on the many blessings God has bestowed upon my life—a good job, a house, an education, health, meaningful relationships with family and friends—I was focusing on the one thing I didn’t have and really wanted. Yes, I still pray for my future husband and ask God to bring him into my life in His own perfect way and timing, but I also need to lift up prayers of thanksgiving and gratitude for who God is, what He’s done in my life, and for the blessings all around me. They are all gifts from God, better than any Christmas gifts under the tree, and worthy of His praise.
Service
In addition to thanking God, it’s important to share what we have with others. Stewardship (managing well what God has entrusted to you) and serving others go hand-in-hand, and will bring true joy to your life this holiday season.
One of the biggest hindrances to service is the god of self. Living alone, it’s very easy for me to isolate myself from others and spend way too much “me time.” Because I don’t have a husband to serve or children who need my full and immediate attention, I can easily “hole up” over the winter. So, if I find myself struggling with loneliness, the best remedy has always been investing in others. As singles, we’ve got to be intentional and make specific plans to bless others through service, because it won’t just automatically happen.
So, let’s all put our faith into practice this winter, and commit to serving others wholeheartedly. Here are some ideas to consider:
- Buy a gingerbread kit for your best friend’s children, and put it together with them on a Saturday afternoon.
- Take homemade treats to a widow in your church and stay for some good conversation.
- Build a snowman, make snow angels, or go ice skating with your niece or nephew.
- Invite college students over for a home-cooked meal.
- Send out encouraging handwritten cards to friends via snail mail.
- When someone makes a prayer request, say “Can I pray for you right now?” instead of “I will pray for you.”
- Offer to babysit for friends one evening so that they can have a date night.
- Provide an anonymous grocery store or superstore gift card to a family you know in financial crisis.
Aside from serving people you know, boldly pray that God will put people into your path this season who need the gospel, encouragement, prayer, or who have a practical need that you yourself can meet. When these opportunities pop-up, take them! You may never know the full impact of these acts of service. It could make someone’s day. And it just might make your own day too!
Fellowship
Gratitude and serving others are both important to contentment during the holidays, but so is authentic fellowship. I’m a firm believer that the best Christian fellowship doesn’t segregate singles and marrieds, but brings them together. We need each other. We’re really not all that different. And each of us is a part of the same body of Christ (Romans 12:3-5; 1 Corinthians 12:24-27).
Fellowship, in the true Biblical definition, is not simply hanging out with friends, or gathering for a meal after church on Sunday, or attending a church function with other believers. These are all wonderful ways to spend time, but fellowship is richer and more meaningful. It is demonstrated as one of four main functions of the early Christian church who “devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and prayers” (Acts 2:42). Relationship is implied, not just activity. It’s something that single Christians (and married Christians too!) ought to desire and certainly need—deep friendships, a more close-knit venue for spiritual growth, care for one another, and support. You just can’t get that by only attending the large-group worship service at your church for one hour a week.
As the year comes to a close, ask yourself if you truly have a fellowship community. If not, make a commitment to pray about joining or forming a fellowship group (often called a small group, life group, or community group) in 2012. Make an appointment with your pastor to ask about groups that are open to new members, or, if none are currently available, learn more about the process of forming a new group. Your church may have small group resources, training times for new leaders, and guidelines to follow. If you decide to go a more informal route, gather a mix of fellow Christians who you think may also be seeking community. As a group, pick a weekly day and time to meet and make a formal commitment to fully invest in one another for a specific season of six months or a year. The key factors for meaningful fellowship are intention (meeting for a specific purpose) and devotion (members have a strong commitment to one another). It’s a great way to get further connected, meet new people, and develop close bonds with others.
I realize that gratitude, service, and fellowship won’t take away deep longings, frustrations, or the “holiday blues” overnight, but it is a step in the right direction and necessary for long-term spiritual health. These disciplines will serve you well whether or not you get married someday. Jesus Christ alone heals the broken pieces of our past, carries us through the ups and downs of singleness today, and strengthens us for tomorrow. So, let’s thank Him for what He’s done, serve others with His love, and fellowship with believers who will point us closer to Him.
