Grief is tough to navigate. It sneaks up at odd times and causes such a wide range of emotions. The day will be going swimmingly and before long, you’re swimming in tears. I’ve gained wisdom through an experience I’ve had with grief, which is still fresh, and am sharing with hope that it will provide comfort.
Recently, a relationship with someone important to me ended. I thought I was managing well, sticking close to God and didn’t seem to be experiencing the sadness I had anticipated. But in reality I was, just in a different way. I was easily irritated, not sleeping well, waking up angry on top of feeling numb, anxious, lonely and disconnected. And the culprit behind all of it—grief.
One of the lines in the song “Everything” by Lifehouse says,
You calm the storms and you give me rest. You hold me in your hands. ” (Video embedded at the end of this article).
Shauna Niequist said,
there is no faithlessness in mourning.”
I’m learning that it’s okay to be in a place of sadness while also taking the right steps to move forward. Thankfully, God surrounded me with wise and supportive women to remind me of that. I’m wondering how many of you have gone through a tough breakup or lost a friend. I gained some helpful advice and wisdom through my experience that may be helpful for you too:
- Give yourself time to feel because emotions will come out in an uglier way if you don’t. (yep…they do)
- Lean on God through prayer and reading Scripture.
- Spend time with supportive friends; try not to isolate yourself.
- Help out someone else or participate in a service project.
- Set aside some time for a heart check (sitting quietly, journaling, taking a walk, sharing with a friend what’s on your mind).
- There is no shame in having a good cry.
- It’s okay to be exactly where you are at while also taking small steps forward.
While on my way to work one morning, I spotted an advertisement with this slogan:
Happiness is forgetting your lunch and then instantly ordering something better.”
“Woah!” I thought. “Isn’t that convenient? Maybe I will forget my lunch everyday…” The point is, in a modern western culture of instant soup, instant cash, instant coffee and instant communication, we want instant gratification. Why cut up the vegetables and let the soup simmer, when I can add boiling water and wait for a minute…or dare I say two. It may seem insensitive to compare making soup to bouncing back from a loss but bare with me. The “instant” approach to overcoming a loss feels better in the moment. However, if we move on from a loss without allowing ourselves time to experience (simmer in, if you will) painful emotions, they can manifest in all types of unhealthy behavior. The feelings go somewhere! If not out, then buried deep inside our hearts.
God didn’t create us to bury sadness and to be happy all of the time. I have experienced incredible growth and joy through trials, and am growing through this one, too (James 1). Yes, it hurts when a relationship ends and that’s OK. Have faith and ask God to come into that hurt place. He will.
One of my favorite hymns goes like this:
Here Master, in this quiet place, where anyone may kneel. I also come to ask for grace, believing You can heal.”
I believe that Jesus will be right there helping me heal though this time of grief and, if you believe, He will see you through your trial too.
Like I mentioned earlier, grief is tough to navigate, inconsistent and uncomfortable. In contrast, though, God is always consistent and provides abundant comfort (Psalm 71:20-21). So, I’m no longer fighting grief but rather letting God carry me through it and growing all along the way.
In closing, I’d like to add a reminder that breaking up or losing someone dear to you can be a traumatic event. If you experience intense sadness or depression over an extended period of time, think about talking with a professional counselor.
While I was reaching out to friends and family for support, I was also covering up the difficult place I was in, asking myself questions like, “who wants to be around a sad person?” and “am I not being faithful because I’m in this sad place?”
