Forgiveness doesn’t journal
Alice sped into my (Rich’s) office carrying a Starbuck’s and a notebook. After exchanging pleasantries, I asked how I could help. She opened a journal in which she had documented, in great detail, her husband’s faults. After twenty minutes, I interrupted.
“Alice, why are you here?”
“I want to solve the problems in my marriage,” she said, surprised. “Will you talk to Sam for me?”
“Probably later, but the first step doesn’t involve him.”
“Doesn’t involve him? Pastor, you haven’t heard a word I’ve been saying … he’s the problem!”
“Alice, right now, you are the problem.”
Over the next hour, we talked about forgiveness. Yes, Sam was a jerk and, yes, he needed to change, but there was little hope without her willingness to forgive. The “jerk journals” documented his sins—and hers.
Forgiveness – the unfair act of letting go
The Bible commands forgiveness. The Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Ephesus, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).
It’s hard to imagine anyone forgiving the way Christ forgave without having experienced God’s forgiveness in Christ. When we accept this forgiveness, understanding how much we did not deserve it, we begin to understand how to forgive others. We understand that forgiveness is not based on being worthy.
Forgiveness is up to us
Like so many of us, Alice was waiting for her husband to change before she forgave him. Forgiveness was not about him, however; it was about her. It is a mistake to think that forgiveness is based on the other person confessing with every nonverbal indication of deep remorse. It is a mistake to think that forgiveness is based on the other person suffering “enough.”
Forgiveness is not about the offender. It’s about the person wronged. Alice never forgave, and her unwillingness led to a bitterness that blasted a cold chill through any warmth Sam tried to kindle. Their marriage lasted until the last child left for college. Alice filed for divorce and moved to another state. One of the reasons Alice never forgave her husband is because forgiveness is not natural to us. It seems so unfair.
Forgiveness is not a pardon
Forgiveness doesn’t erase the debt we owe. We might forgive a criminal, but that doesn’t mean a judge will take away the consequences. Forgiveness frees us to live in peace while it places the offender in the hands of a sovereign God.
Forgiveness is not forgetting
I (Marty) met with a husband who discovered that his wife was bulimic. He uncovered the problem by keeping a record of her excuses for missing meals, for calling in sick to work, for her reoccurring irritableness, as well as unusual (binge-type) food purchases on her credit statements. By piecing together these events, he was able to identify a pattern that led him to the possibility that his wife was struggling with an eating disorder. The records he kept are gone now, but if each time he forgave her he had completely forgotten about the offense, he might have missed helping her. Although we may forget an offense, forgiveness is not forgetting.
Forgiveness is letting God act
One of the unique characteristics of Christianity is the belief that God is in control. We believe that he sees everything and doesn’t miss the bad things that others do to us. Because we believe this, we are able to move away from revenge. Christians are cautioned not to “get even” as the world might. The Bible teaches that revenge is not an option. God will right all the wrongs. Trust him to do it. God sees the heart and motives, and his justice is always fair. One of the reasons we can forgive is because we have faith that God is a better judge than we could ever be.
Forgiveness frees us
We will never be able to find compassion and kindness in our hearts towards those who have wronged us until we let the grievance go. Once we let it go, a burden is lifted and we begin to experience life again. One of the reasons Alice had stopped living was because she was tethered by the burden of years of abuse. The abuse had become an anchor holding her fast in the breakwater of bitterness. If she would have forgiven her husband, she would have experienced the freedom to love again. Even if her marriage eventually wrecked, she could have experienced some degree of respite and vibrancy.
Forgiveness is the scent the rose leaves on
the heel that crushes it.” ~ John Arnott
Forgiving is not the same as trusting
If a person borrows your car and has an accident which destroys the car, you can forgive him. The next time he asks to borrow the car, because you have forgiven him, you can still hand him the keys. If he has another accident, you can forgive him, but you probably will not give him the keys the next time he asks. Although he’s been forgiven, you no longer trust him. The first crash was an incident. The second was the beginning of a pattern. Once the pattern surfaced, your trust disappeared. Forgiveness is free. Trust is earned.
If you are experiencing forgiveness issues in a relationship, let us suggest some action points.
- Don’t ignore the red flags
If you asked Beth what she would have done differently in her relationship with Gene, she probably would have said, “I wouldn’t ignore all the clues about Gene’s unfaithfulness.” I (Rich) have a theory that says that if you ignore the red flags, they become banners. - Don’t react, respond
Beth could have reacted and divorced Gene immediately. Fortunately, she didn’t. She thought it through and asked him to move out instead. Had she not responded, Gene would have been tempted to continue to play his games (and with his track record, he probably would have yielded to temptation again). Reacting creates wounds that make resolution even more difficult. Don’t react (unless someone’s safety is at stake). - Unpack the bag
Some people carry the baggage of resentment and bitterness so long, they can’t unpack it. They’re miserable. There is only one solution: We forgive and forgive until we unpack the bag. - Name it
You can’t forgive something you can’t identify. It may be painful to admit how your trust was damaged, but you have to name it to forgive it. After Christmas, I (Marty) met with a young husband who, for three years, would not name the offense that affected his relationship with his wife. This January, when he named it (FYI “flirtation”) he was startled to discover a deep insecurity his wife had carried for the same number of years. As he named and forgave the offense, he began to work on her insecurity (romantic gifts, walks, dinners and talks). Today, the flirtation is gone – unless you count her actions toward him! - Admit your part
Many spouses of alcoholics admit later that they enabled the drinking. What is your part in the damaged trust? - Give it to God
An authentic plea will bring God’s assistance and power. Those prayers followed by obedience – by, in this case, forgiveness – bring His special blessing. - Throw it away
I (Rich) ask people to write the offense down and throw it in the garbage can. “Now it’s gone,” I explain. “Stay out of the garbage.” (Of course, if your Jerk Journal is already written out like Alice’s, you should trash it, too.) - Trade in your thoughts
The Apostle Paul told the church in Philippi to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable (Philippians 4:8). Trade your bitterness and any negative thoughts for these thoughts.
Forgiveness does not change the past, but it
does enlarge the future.” ~ Paul Boese
Because Jerk Journals are the easiest books to write (and we’re all equipped to write them), understanding and sharing forgiveness are essential for a successful marriage.
