It’s a question we’ll all face, sooner or later. How do we find an answer? I suggest asking yourself these five, not-so-simple questions:
- “Am I of the legal age to marry?” This is important! If you don’t pass this question, don’t worry about answering the rest of them yet!
- “Am I mature enough emotionally for marriage?” A few further questions might help you analyze your own emotional maturity. Are you constantly at odds with your family members? Do you find it difficult to overlook the shortcomings of others? Or are you able to live peacefully alongside those around you? After a conflict with a friend or family member, are you willing to accept blame?
- “Am I responsible enough to be in a married relationship?” In other words, are you faithful to complete the tasks you already have at hand? Do you spend your day responsibly?
- “Would I be willing to submit to my future husband as the Bible commands?” A good test for this would be whether you’re currently living in submission to your parents.
- “Would pursuing marriage better serve the Kingdom of God than my remaining single?” This one is the real humdinger!
If you answered all five questions with a “yes,” don’t start jumping for joy yet. Now’s the time to ask your godly mentors—that is, your parents and your closest, wisest, most gut-wrenchingly honest friends—to answer these same questions about you. The last question may especially require wisdom from God, so be sure to pray when thoughtfully considering your situation.
Is Dating Okay?
A plethora of meanings exist for “dating” and “courtship.” To some, “courtship” means going to a restaurant one-on-one and spending time together. To others, that’s the same definition as “dating.” What’s the right path for 21st century Christians?
Really, the important issue isn’t Dating vs. Courtship; the terms mean very little. What is essential is whether purity is being pursued in the relationship. A guy and girl can technically be “courting” but know each other’s bodies so well they might as well be married, whereas a “dating” couple can be wisely preparing for marriage in purity.
God doesn’t use the words “dating” and “courtship” in the Bible, maybe because He knows how we tend to redefine those particular words to suit what we want. Instead, God presented principles for us to follow. Whatever the terms used, the necessary decision is whether God’s principles will be obeyed. Here are purity principles from Scripture.
- Guard your emotions and your body.
- Avoid temptation like the plague. (Remember Joseph’s story from Genesis?)
- Be wise (that is, don’t trust your hormones. See Proverbs 7 . . . or pretty much the entire book of Proverbs.)
When non-believing guys and girls date for a few weeks, try each other on for size, and then move on to someone else, usually their idea is to nix all of the above principles. This is the world’s dating model. Needless to say, pursuing romance without wisdom is unbiblical.
What is there to be done? If “dating around” is out, then what should marriageable Christian young people do?
Keep in mind that while biblical principles are unchanging, they do sometimes take different forms in different situations. For instance, a guy and girl who live next door to one another may have to set up different boundaries and get to know each other in a different manner than, say, a couple separated by a thousand miles who “date” mostly via phone and email.
Prayerfully search the Scriptures and discuss with godly mentors what the biblical standard for pursuing marriage and purity looks like. Seek guidance from wise married friends, books on the subject, your pastor, etc. And don’t get anxious. God will be faithful to provide the answer at the right time.
How Will I Meet the Right Guy?
As recorded in the book of Genesis, Abraham sent an employee to spy out a potential wife for his unmarried son. From the first, the employee balked. How was he supposed to successfully pick out a wife for somebody else? Abraham replied in perfect confidence, “The God of heaven will send His angel before you” (Genesis 24).
A wave of nausea probably swept through the employee’s stomach as he began his search in Abraham’s hometown. Centuries before “dating compatibility” and personality tests, the man was intimidated by the prospect of tracking down a prospective wife for his boss’s son. He prayed that God would provide the right person for Abraham’s son—and before the prayer was finished a pretty, God-fearing girl named Rebecca asked if she could get him a drink of water.
The fact that Rebecca showed up at that very second and inadvertently revealed her sweet, selfless heart in her simple offer to serve was quite . . . coincidental. But was it really coincidence? Abraham’s servant obviously didn’t think so. He considered it providential.
We know Rebecca’s love story was divinely orchestrated by the God who leaves nothing to chance. Already He had molded Rebecca’s heart so she possessed a rare sort of trust and courage that she would need. After all, she had to have the boldness to accompany this employee back to a foreign land and marry Abraham’s son. For Rebecca, the proper time had come. She was ready.
So the point of this story is to promote arranged marriages—but not the type planned by human beings. God is the ultimate matchmaker. Like Rebecca’s, our role is simply to nurture our faith and leave our futures to God. As Isaiah declared to an Israel that wondered if God was really concerned with their problems,
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
His understanding is unsearchable” –Isaiah 40:28
So you ask, “How will I meet the right guy?” The answer is, “God will introduce you.” If you’re supposed to get married, you will.
Waiting for God to “show up” and move us to that point is tough, but God never puts His children through situations that will not end in bringing glory to His name or nurturing His children in some vital way. He doesn’t allow us to experience pain needlessly. Although we may never see the reason for the uncertainty, God has His reasons for making us wait. And it is the same God who divinely paired Rebecca and Isaac who asks us to trust Him.
*Excerpted with permission from Moody Publishers from Uncompromising (Moody Publishers, 2011) by Hannah Farver.
