When two people join in holy matrimony they bring a collective financial history with them. Well, in our case, collective is the wrong word. The only thing my wife and I collected was debt. In this respect, my wife and I have always been a perfect match: We both believed in spending money. Until debt do us part.
Looking at our past can help us understand why we think about money the way we do. My wife, Dinika, and I have similar financial backgrounds which means that neither one of us married for money. Some of the damaging financial patterns in my life stemmed from how I reacted to the homemade bike.
Sure, I’ll explain.
Instead of buying me a new bicycle, my dad made me a bicycle from an old frame he scavenged at the junk yard. All the other kids in my neighborhood were peddling around on Schwinn Apple Krates and Orange Krates, the popular brand name bikes of the day. I think it was all of them. It’s hard to tell when you’re riding your bike around with a paper bag over your head. The Apple Krate bike was a flamboyant red (the official name of the color) and came with a banana seat, a five speed Stik-Shift, a MAG sprocket (I prefer Spacely’s) and stingray handle bars, but its front tire was small like on a chopper motorcycle. They were the coolest bikes around. So, naturally, I didn’t have one.
The Apple Krate kids would park their bikes in a row at the baseball park, a display of what the rest of us didn’t have – rides to the game. I remember clearly they were Schwinn bicycles, because they had logos. This logo meant “cool.” Those kids with bikes from Sears couldn’t compete. We were kids, but we knew the score. Logos mean something. Schwinn stood for quality while Sears stood for cheap parents. My homemade bike stood for “my dad grew up during the depression.”
Depression era bikes do not have logos.
While all my friends showed off their new bikes, mine was made by my father, who loved to create mechanical oddities like lamps made out of driftwood so we could swim at night and coffee tables made out of rotating wagon wheels. So, when I asked for a new bike he informed me that he would build me one. He spent as much money on the new seat, handle bars, tires and peddles as he would have spent on a new bike, but it wasn’t new. It was a spray-painted old frame with new parts. It was unique, I’ll give it that. How many bikes have a chip dip holder? I just wanted a bike like everyone else. A bike with a logo.
I was determined that things would be different when I got older.
When I became an adult, I wanted everything to be new and from a brand name. It took years to appreciate the quaintness of vintage. Not that I want our vintage to actually be vintage… I’d rather pay for something brand new that was made to look vintage.
Another thing I remember vividly about money growing up is that my mother didn’t like how my dad managed his business. She was always complaining about a customer who owed my dad money, saying that he wasn’t collecting quick enough. However, the people my dad did business with were his friends, so he’d let it slide. Mom resented this, I think. Maybe she smashed the dishes because she just didn’t like the floral pattern around the edges, but this combination taught me to avoid talking about money at all costs. Because you can’t have cookies and milk when all the cups are broken.
Maybe that’s why I struggle with talking about the simplest money matters. Like today, I returned some anti-slide coasters for our couch to Home Depot while my wife waited in the car with the kids. Home Depot gave me cash, nearly seven whole dollars. Now, I returned these coasters because they didn’t work. The mission was to find some that do work on slippery, wood floors so we can sit on the couch without needing a travel agent as we slide across the room. So, I find some other rubber grip pads to set the couch on that are only four bucks and I use our debit card to pay for them.
Well, I put the seven bucks in my wallet so I can have a guilt-free trip to Starbucks, meaning that my wife won’t see it on our online bank account, which tells all. The rule is if you can pay cash for Starbucks you can have some. But daily? I probably spend about $150 a month on Starbucks.
I’m certain I’ll tell my wife all of this before she reads it here. Show her the advance check the publisher gave me. Buy her a Starbucks. Then tell her. That’s a good rule: anytime you have to confess something to your wife, buy her a Starbucks first. Caffeine makes people forgive faster. Right? Speeds things up. Get her a drink that’s swirly.
Do you find yourself doing things like this because you fear it might lead to an argument about money?
Oh, you don’t?
Oh.
Awkward silence.
You can get a glimpse of your financial future by looking at your parents. Now, if that doesn’t rattle your financial cage with fright that knocks your change together, nothing will. Do you want that kind of financial future?
My wife and I realized that before we could begin any financial turnaround we both had to want a financial turnaround from the heart, not just react emotionally to the way we were raised. Couples need to agree that it’s about changing their hearts. If one is moving forward and the other is moving backward, well… do the math… you can’t ride a tandem bike that way.
Sit down (fore to aft), agree that you’re in a mess, and ask God to change your hearts.
Now, begin peddling.
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Featured Guest: Thor Ramsey
Thor Ramsey is a nationally known stand-up comedian and one of the most recognized names in Christian comedy. Since 1987, Ramsey has performed in comedy clubs and churches across the country. He is best known for the best-selling “Thou Shalt Laugh” DVDs and the Sony-owned comedy series “Bananas,” which he hosts. His second book Thor Ramsey’s Total Money Meltdown (Moody Press) will be in stores in July 2011, but you can pre-order it at Amazon.
