I usually write about life as a married woman, but today I want to reflect on some things I learned when I was still swimming in the dating pool. I remember what it was like. More than anything as a single woman, I wanted to be pursued by a guy. I wanted to get asked to dinner, to be asked deep questions and drawn out, to be wooed and won over.
These expectations were formed partly from my own ideal, and partly from my belief that men should be the ones to take the initiative. Call me old-fashioned, but in my book, the man should do the asking and the paying.
But my expectations as a single woman did not exactly pan out. Instead of getting asked to dinner, I was asked to “hang out.” Instead of getting a phone call, boys arranged dates with me via texting and Facebook. I understand the convenience, but it doesn’t exactly make a girl feel special over and above the rest. Hanging out and texting are for platonic relationships, they don’t leave a lasting impression of romantic pursuit.
The Risk is Real
I don’t mean to pick on the guys. I can’t imagine the kind of courage it takes to make the first move, to put yourself out there at incredible risk of rejection, awkwardness and embarrassment. I commend all you men out there for bravely taking the initiative in relationships! Not only do we women appreciate your directness, but I think the act of taking the initiative reveals spiritual maturity that traces back to the very first romantic relationship. Author and blogger Carolyn McCulley says, “You trust God by risking rejection. Every time you battle the passivity of Adam, standing wordlessly by Eve as she was deceived, you build your muscles of godly masculinity.”
Overturning a flaw that has been ingrained into the masculine make-up since the beginning takes guts. It takes strong spiritual fiber to stand up to God’s calling for men, rather than taking the easier route of testing the waters and playing it safe. It also demonstrates relational maturity to put the girl above yourself by putting yourself on the line for her sake. And can I just tell you—when you are willing to do that, we notice. When a man makes the first move, it shows the woman that she is worth it to him. When my future husband first vocalized his feelings and intentions toward me, I found it bold and attractive. And you know how that story turned out.
Pursuit and the Gospel
These issues run deeper than boy meeting girl. They have found their way into our relationships only because they were part of gospel story first; the arch of the biblical narrative reveals a God who passionately and relentlessly pursues His beloved. Scripture proclaims the Church as the object of this divine love, and throughout its pages God rejoices, delights, and cherishes in her, stopping at nothing to win her heart.
See His tenderness toward us, “He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing” (Zeph. 3:17). Ezekiel 16 also displays a beautiful analogy of God’s dealing with His people; describing how God rescued His bride, adorned her with beautiful jewelry and clothes, giving her the best of the best and making His eternal covenant with her. And even when she turned to other lovers, God renewed His promise to love and keep her. Even though we ourselves turn away to false lovers, God sent His Son to draw our hearts into an unbreakable covenant of love with Himself. Christ’s Incarnation, death, and resurrection all demonstrate a Man who was willing to go any distance, pay any price, to be with His beloved. That is holy pursuit.
Risk. Pursuit. Response. These are all themes interwoven into the gospel at every point, a divine romance in which the Lover tenderly draws the Beloved, hoping to elicit her response of likewise devotion.
Not Something of the Past
We may live in a culture where the sexes have leveled the playing field and the concepts of wooing seem antiquated. It is no longer counter-cultural for the woman to be the aggressor in a relationship while the man sits back passively. But romantic pursuit should not be denigrated as something of the past, because it is an essential element of the gospel, a timeless truth. Why do you think Jane Austen novels and movies appeal to many women? Because it strikes a chord in us that God put there. Pride and Prejudice may be a century behind the times, but the principles behind the plot line are as relevant today as ever, because they are integral to the gospel.
If you are a single young man looking for marriage, you don’t have to look like Mr. Darcy or carry a handkerchief, but you can make an impression by making the first move. Call her up. Ask her out to coffee and let her know ahead of time that it’s a date, instead of leaving her guessing. Not only will you make an impression, but you will be following in the gospel pattern of Christ’s holy pursuit, who chose not to play it safe but to risk it all.
