As we began our first counseling session, John and Mary were certainly pleasant and polite, almost to a fault, with each readily deferring to the other. It was soon obvious that there was little open conflict between them; in fact, there was little emotional engagement at all. At first, you might wonder why they even sought counseling. But they quietly said that they had come to find ways “to put some zest back into their marriage.” Something seemed “missing” from their relationship, but they couldn’t quite put their finger on it. In reality, there was an underlying tension that they had long ignored.
As their story unfolded, it became apparent that, early on in their marriage, they both had found their differences emotionally threatening. As a result, they had hidden them behind the whitewashed walls of polite self-denial. “Whatever you want is fine with me,” had become their conflict-avoiding mantra. What they didn’t know was that their “solution” to conflict was slowly, quietly, but inexorably killing the vitality of their relationship. They were depriving their marriage of the nourishment that comes from directly dealing with each other’s differences So, it was not surprising that they were, in effect, saying to me, “I hope this isn’t all there is to marriage.”
Differences with others, though sometimes difficult to manage, are what challenge us to grow and change. Indeed, they represent the greatest source of continued interest in a relationship. When we try to become carbon copies of one another, interest naturally begins to fade. Why? Because we already know what we think and feel. Living with a spouse who simply mirrors our own thoughts is essentially redundant…in short, it’s boring. We need the stimulation of different thinking to remain engaged in meaningful interaction.
In marriage, we are often connected to mates who have opposite personality characteristics to our own. These “complementarities” mean our partners have strengths where we have weaknesses (and vice versa), and that strongly attracts us. With these complementary traits, we sense greater wholeness in our relationship, or what Jesus described so eloquently as “oneness” in Matthew 19. Such complementary factors provide us with the opportunity to uniquely give to one another and this helps us maintain not only our individuality but also our sense of belonging in the relationship. Without these things, we lack a solid identity to guide our actions in a healthy direction.
Couples can be intentional about fostering the right climate for capitalizing on these differences by doing five helpful things:
- Make a list of the unique strengths of your mate and then make a point of verbally admiring each quality whenever you see him or her exercising it. This tells your spouse that his or her strengths are noticeable and appreciated, and that he or she contributes great value to the relationship. This develops a sense of belonging necessary for the cohesion that optimizes your marriage.
- Set aside consistent alone time with your spouse in order to continuously build your intimacy with one another. Intimacy doesn’t just happen; it must be consciously cultivated. It’s unfortunate that so many couples complain that, with their busy schedules, they just don’t have time like they used to. Actually, you can’t afford not to make the time, especially when there are important conflicts to work through.
- Spend time with God (“Be still and know that I am God,” Psa. 46:10). Our unique gifts come from God’s creative hand and, thus, so do those differences that compose our individuality. Without understanding your lovability and essential worth through His eyes, your identity becomes distorted, which, in turn, cripples your ability to handle your partner’s differences effectively.
- Practice good assertiveness skills, in which case you must know the difference between passivity, aggression, and assertion. With passivity, you don’t respect yourself; with aggression, you don’t respect the other person; but with assertiveness, you respect both yourself and the other person. With passivity, you withdraw or keep silent; with aggression, you attack or belittle; but with assertiveness, you simply share your insides and ask others to do the same. Finally, with passivity, you reveal fear and therefore retreat; with aggression you reveal defensiveness and therefore lash out; but with assertiveness, you reveal humble confidence and therefore take the initiative to serve. When we fail to be assertive, differences can lead to fragmentation, or even worse, feelings of rejection.
- Develop an attitude of gratefulness by keeping a daily gratitude log. No matter how difficult your day is, find some things you are truly grateful for and write those down. Research clearly shows that people who do this are far more resilient to stress than those who do not. Indeed, this was the experience of the Apostle Paul when he often encountered rough times (Phil. 4). What better way, then, to prepare yourself for keeping in proper perspective the normal stress of conflict resolution!
In the end, Paul had it right when he argued in 1 Cor. 12 that unity comes from the cultivation of diversity, not from the enforcement of uniformity. Unfortunately, I have seen too many relationships that have slowly eroded because all of the couple’s creative energy was channeled into papering over differences essential for healthy living. However, when our differences are valued and thus actively protected, marital life is more stimulating, more adventurous, and, consequently, more fulfilling.
