Many have been there. A relationship that, at first, seemed good deteriorates into a boatload of pain when one deeply injures the other with emotionally (or even morally) indefensible behavior. Sometimes, it involves damaging words spewed out in the heat of battle. At other times, repeated actions inescapably wound the heart. Often, it is only after the offending spouse realizes that the relationship is in great peril does he or she promise to change. If actual change follows, then it’s natural to ask the question, “How do you know it’s real?” As a therapist, I’m frequently asked how you can tell if the person has really changed. To be sure, renewed trust depends heavily on the answer to this inquiry.
This is not as simple a question as it might seem. Some changes people make can indeed be short-lived. They may be prompted merely by the desire to quiet well-deserved criticism, or to settle the dust kicked up by hurtful conflict. Generally speaking, if they are not genuinely interested in real change, they most likely will revert back to their old ways once the crisis has passed. But to know whether change will persist beyond a few weeks or months (i.e., whether there is true transformation), you do well to consider three things:
1. Altering damaging habits—the kind of change that turns a relationship around—is time and effort intensive. Immediate promises born of fear are one thing, but meaningful actions based on conviction are quite another. Any behavior that rebuilds trust takes substantial time and concentrated effort. So, you must determine if the changes you see stand the test of time. But time alone is not enough. The offender must also demonstrate evident remorse, adequate repentance, and demonstrable contrition. All three are necessary.
Remorse is feeling deep regret for what you did, the kind of heartache that says, “I’m so sorry about how much I’ve hurt you.” Repentance is reversing course in your attitudes and behaviors, replacing your misbehavior with actions that honor both God and your spouse. Lastly, contrition (the least understood of the three) is a willingness to accept the consequences of your misbehavior, which may not be particularly pleasant.
When one spouse hurts the other and then follows it with the attitude of “Get over it!”, it only compounds the problem. I’ve often seen this occur in husbands or wives who’ve had affairs and have subsequently tried to quiet their spouses by questioning why they have to keep reviewing the details of the betrayal. But trying to evoke guilt in your spouse rarely works (at least, not like you think it does). It usually only builds further resentment and distrust. Instead, healing requires a steadfast resolve to handle with grace the fallout of wounding your partner, even if it is difficult.
Without evidence of all three reactions of remorse, repentance, and contrition, the longevity of subsequent change becomes doubtful. When one of these elements is missing, do not be surprised if your offended spouse questions your sincerity.
2. Lasting change is also structural in nature, meaning that it must be personally internalized in order to build something new from the inside out. It springs, not only from the desire to make things right, but also from the desire to actually grow and to learn from your mistakes. It means you want to change the relationship to make it better, instead of making the same mistakes over and over again, something which slowly saps the life of any marriage. It’s about establishing a new normal; it’s not about returning to what existed before. Remember, a sound marriage is the summation of all the changes and adjustments you both make in the spirit of seeking a love relationship that will endure and, indeed, triumph over adversity.
3. Finally, change you can believe in always involves the importance of humility. When Jesus urged us to love one another as He loved us, He gave us the powerful example of humbly washing His disciple’s feet. The disciples, you may recall, had been having the incredibly petty argument over who would be the greatest in heaven. But Jesus turned their ideas of greatness upside down by demonstrating that, in God’s eyes, it was found in the person who takes the initiative to serve. The Apostle Paul later took this concept and used it to describe the husband’s role of leadership (Eph. 5:22) in first serving the needs of his wife. This is far different than the notion some erroneously have that the husband is somehow supposed to be the “head honcho” who makes all of the decisions. Rather, he is to be the leading servant who inspires his wife to love him.
Without humility, the entire edifice of marriage is undermined. Conflicts become arguments only when you lack the sufficiency of this characteristic to validate your mate. To admit that you could be mistaken in your perceptions or that another point of view could make sense is an enduring asset to any relationship. That’s why lasting change always requires us to be humble as a condition for healing.
