By: Nicole Braddock Bromley
In the weeks leading up to our wedding, my husband and I confidently informed friends that we were setting our expectations for marriage as low as possible. Our reason was that if we expected little, then whatever good things happened along the way would feel like a day at Disney World.
But, let’s be honest: we did have expectations. We all do. And we should have expectations of the people with which we share close relationships. I think the problem isn’t so much the level of hope or expectation, but the fear in discussing them.
I was the queen of avoiding and denying expectations. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I grew up believing that my voice didn’t matter. I was a people-pleaser, working my hardest to secure peace and happiness around me, meanwhile afraid to speak up about my own needs or wants. Furthermore, I had a huge fear of appearing “high maintenance” to the man I eagerly wanted to marry.
But before he ever came into the scene, I was busy portraying myself as a “tough girl,” rarely letting myself cry or appear vulnerable. I thought that if I could wall off parts of my heart from others, no one could get close enough to hurt me. Putting on a mask of toughness, perfectionism, and people-pleasing compulsion seemed to be the only way to conquer my fears and keep me safe. But in the end, I found that it only strengthened my fears and prevented me from finding the life of freedom and the healthy marriage I longed for beneath it all.
Eventually Matt popped into my world, and though I trusted him like no man I had ever trusted before and had revealed to him some of my deepest secrets, I was still afraid to fully communicate my hopes and desires.
I know I am not alone. Many of us struggle to “let others in,” to truly know us or come alongside us. If you are like me and also have abuse in your background, you know of the additional struggles facing us in relationships. Statistically, one in every three women and one in every six men who read this article have experienced childhood sexual abuse. Sexual abuse shatters many areas of a victim’s life, but the more obvious aspects of abuse don’t even compare to the relational damage it can cause. Whether the abuse was a one-time exploitation or long-term trauma, its effects on relationships last a lifetime. I share this not to scare you, but to urge you to do what it takes to be a healthy partner in marriage.
Trust and open, honest communication are the basis of a strong relationship. But when life gets difficult, we often stop communicating. Just when we most need to connect with someone who can support us, we withdraw, clam up, and try to go alone. But in isolating ourselves and hiding our hearts, we not only take a step backward on the path to healing, we also rob our marriages.
As a newlywed, I was afraid to come across as “needy” so I often bottled up my hurt and unmet expectations until I nearly exploded. And in an effort to not appear emotional or vulnerable, I tried to fix everything myself. As a result, I unknowingly robbed my husband of many opportunities to know me deeply, pray for me, comfort me, support me, serve me and walk through all things with me; and I robbed myself of the opportunity to receive those same things.
Once I began opening up more about my expectations, wants and needs, I had to also begin inviting Matt to respond. In doing so, I allowed him to know me on a deeper level and empowered him as a husband. Ephesians 5:21-33 instructs us to care for our spouse as Christ cares for the church. By sharing my heart I gave Matt an opportunity to show me Jesus’s heart: loving me while seeing my flaws and knowing my pain. Before I knew it, communication seemed easier, trust grew deeper, our marriage became stronger; we felt like teammates on a winning team.
This reminds me of a domestic situation last week in the Bromley home. As I was changing my six-month-old’s diaper, my two-year-old son, Jude, asked me to get him something to drink. I answered, “I’ll get you a drink in just a minute.” He walked away and within seconds had taken matters into his own hands. He dipped a cup into the toilet bowl, brought it into the baby’s room, took a sip and said, “Mmm. Look, Mommy! It’s good!”
Jude did a great job of communicating his need; he just didn’t let me come alongside him to help meet his need. He settled for “good” on his own, but he could have had better (I hope we can all agree that tap water is better than toilet water)! I’ve found that, in marriage, when I take matters into my own hands I can get good results—but I want great results!
The truth is, there are many expectations at the starting gate of marriage, ranging from how often sexual intimacy will occur to who will change the kitty litter. But remember in all these things, you are teammates for life, and the best refreshment for the journey ahead is always a fresh drink shared together at the faucet rather than a quick solitary sip at the toilet.
Win one copy of For Men Only and one copy of For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn!
Join the conversation! Comment below to enter to win today’s featured giveaway. For extra entries, like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, or link to this post on social media and let us know you did in your comment. Entries must be received by tonight at midnight CST, and winners will be selected randomly and notified by email the following day.
UPDATE: Congratulations Margarita for winning this giveaway of For Men Only & For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn! The winner has been notified by email and her randomly selected comment was:
I am also a victor and no longer a victim of childhood sexual abuse. However in reading this article I can relate to everything it said. For years I battled crippling fear and high expectations of people especially myself. When I first married my husband I expected him to be my prince charming and take away all my bondage and pain. Boy was I wrong! Only GOD can enter into such darkness and set us free and give us new life! Both my husband and I came from broken childhoods I sexual abuse and him he grew up in a domestic violence home! So you had to hurt persons trying to create a married life based on brokeness and lies. However GOD has been in the redemption buisness in our marriage for the last two years! Although the journey has not been one I would have chosen it has been well worth every tear and ache for I know one day we will be able to bless so many other couples on the same destructive path we were both on! GOD bless you Nicole for all you do!”
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Featured Guest: Nicole Braddock Bromley
Nicole Bromley is the Founder and Director of OneVOICE enterprises and an International Spokesperson on sexual abuse, rape & human trafficking. She is the author of Hush: Moving from Silence to Healing After Childhood Sexual Abuse (Moody Publishers, 2007) and Breathe: Finding Freedom to Thrive in Relationships After Childhood Sexual Abuse (Moody Publishers, 2009). She is a frequently featured guest on television and radio broadcasts around the world. Nicole and her husband Matthew have two sons. For more info, visit Nicole’s website at www.onevoiceenterprises.com
