I was obviously too young when I got married. That’s why it just fell apart. I didn’t know what I wanted.”
There I was waiting beside my husband in a mass of people about to start running a 5K, and this is what I overhear a guy next to us say. Not exactly the conversation you expect to hear at a moment like this, but while the location was surprising, the content was not. It’s amazing how many times I have heard this “too young and ignorant” excuse from people whose marriages fell apart. Apparently age is not just a number.
The truth is I don’t think age is really the issue here. While it may seem that is the core issue, it’s really just the obvious scapegoat for a deeper concern. Immaturity and lack of preparation are the real culprits causing so many marriages to fall quickly by the wayside. People are not conscious of what marriage is all about, which stems from a lack of preparation as both individuals and as a couple.
There are several components that contribute to an ill-prepared, misinformed, and undeveloped individual and relationship. Collectively they are a recipe for disaster, which is why it is imperative to examine these factors in order to take preventive measures and become informed and equipped for marriage. Let’s take a look at what these factors are:
Society
Television, movies, magazines, and every other entertainment outlet available beats into our heads a gross misrepresentation of marriage and relationships. They send the message that relationships should be easy, fun, and convenient. Marriage is packaged as a burdensome, scary, game-over life sentence that no one in their right mind would willingly enter. Individuals are applauded for self-indulging, self-seeking, feel-good approaches to life, love, and everything in between. These misinformed and false messages are leaving people confused, compromised, and crippled in so many ways.
With the rules of relationships so loose and open to experimental interpretation, people are finding themselves in the fun and fast lane to destruction and disappointment. Dating recklessly and with no moral compass may seem exhilarating at first. Trying to form a marriage with a self-seeking, “me, me, me” mentality may seem fulfilling initially. But have you ever driven on a wide open road going way faster than you should be? It’s elating as you start out, but then there is a sudden curve in the road, and you feel yourself quickly losing control. Suddenly it’s not so fun anymore; it’s life-threatening, dangerous, and gut-wrenching. When you finally come to a stop, the best-case scenario is that your heart is beating out of your chest and you realize that you just needlessly put everything at risk. The worst-case scenario is that you lose everything.
This is the relational path that society is encouraging. It is the fast, fun, and ultimately disastrous lane to brokenness, fear, and potential destruction. Like a road trip, dating and marriage are most successful when time is taken to pull out some maps, plan a course, and carefully consider both the navigation and execution of it. You want to date carefully, using caution, wisdom, God’s guidance, and thoughtful consideration of the road you are on and your ultimate destination. When entering marriage, you want to be prepared and well-informed, and aware of the selfless nature God intended for each spouse to have toward one another. Marriage isn’t selfish; it’s sacrificial and other-oriented. The world wants you to think that rules, planning, and thoughtfulness are killjoys when, in fact, they are your lifeline and road map to success.
Drown out the messages of the world. Tune into God’s Word and ministries. Inform yourself through Christian, reliable sources. Surround yourself with positive influences and messages that will set you up for success.
Self
Marriage really teaches you a lot about yourself. You realize your family patterns, baggage, issues, weaknesses, strengths, and needs. It can be tough to see some of these things prior to marriage in yourself, but it is essential to start trying to see and examine them both before and after.
When I was working on my Master’s Degree in clinical psychology with a specialization in marriage and family therapy, part of the course requirements was to go get personal therapy. This was so that I could relate to my future clients, but it was also intended to help me work through my life experiences, who I am, the baggage I carry around, and all sorts of stuff that makes me who I am. It was an invaluable experience for me that gave me an appreciation for self-exploration and the career I had chosen.
The emphasis on self is usually related to indulgence rather than improvement. What marriage doesn’t need is a selfish person who thinks the primary goal of his/her spouse is to fulfill every want, need, and desire he/she may possibly have. What marriage does need is a person who is willing to examine him/herself, grow, change, adapt, and learn. Marriage needs two people who are willing to nurture, care for, consider, respect, and love one another. It’s about being a tangible example of our heavenly Father’s love here on earth. God gave us marriage to help spur one another on, encourage, uplift, and aide in accomplishing God’s calling and purpose on each of our lives.
Before your wedding day ever arrives, you can set yourself up for success by living in a way that glorifies God and presents yourself as a gift to your future spouse. Take time to explore who you are, where you came from, your strengths, weaknesses, tendencies, goals, hopes, and desires for a future spouse. All of these things give you a good, strong foundation for moving forward in relationships.
Relationships
Relationships are about more than butterflies in the stomach and that feeling that you are on cloud nine. Sure, these emotional flutters are splendid, but to have a successful marriage, you are going to need to be equipped with more than fleeting feelings. Most people go into marriage clueless about what marriage is, who they want and need to marry, and what it takes to make things work…which is a scary thought.
It might seem like chemistry is all that matters to make a relationship work, but you are setting yourself up for failure if that is what you bank your marriage on. Chemistry is important, but marriage is so much more than that. It is a covenant agreement between you, your spouse, and God binding you together. It requires preparation, work, love, prayer, grace, and commitment among many other things.
Couples need to realize the necessity of delving deeper into the relationship if they want to find out if they have what it takes to go the distance. There are several ways to do just that. One is to communicate openly and honestly about some pretty important subjects like future goals, children, the ideal place to live, roles, rules, families of origin, religious beliefs, and finances. Discussing these things is so important because you begin to see if your lives align for a future together. Educating yourself by reading good books and resources on premarital preparation is also helpful. There are so many great books out there with wonderful information that can help you navigate through that spousal selection process. Another option I highly recommend is doing some premarital counseling, workshops, and classes. It is so helpful to have professional assistance to ensure you are making a wise and informed decision since there are lifelong implications.
Take the time to really get to know one another. Sift through the emotions and get to the heart of your relationship, to see if the two of you are compatible. Pray together and separately about your relationship and for God’s wisdom, strength, and discernment regarding your future together. It is important to avoid getting whisked off in a euphoric, dream-like state only to awaken to a nightmare. So many poor marriages and heartbreaks could be avoided if couples just slowed down and took the time to maturely and realistically assess how good of a match they really are.
It definitely takes more than just that in love emotional state to sustain a marriage. Those feelings will come and go, which is why it is important to build a solid foundation for your marriage, which comes from wise influences, self-improvement and awareness, and relational preparedness. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that is intended to stand the test of time, but you have to do your part before and after the wedding day to make that a reality. It is a constant process of learning, growing, and working.
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UPDATE: Congratulations to Carolyn L. for winning 4/7’s featured giveaway, the fondue set for two! The winner has been notified by email and will be receiving her prize soon. Carolyn’s randomly selected comment was:
for sure – you have to be realistic – before and during
