Have you ever seen one of those t-shirts that has bride and groom stick figures with the words “Game Over” written above them? I’ve seen a few recently, and something about them just doesn’t sit well with me. In fact, I usually find myself completely irritated when I catch sight of one.
After thinking about it, I realized that what bothers me so much about these t-shirts is the representation and embodiment of a negative attitude many people have toward marriage. You see the cake toppers of the bride dragging the groom along, the bachelor party goods that read “last night out without the ball and chain,” and the bachelorette party items with the message “last fling before the ring.” Television shows, movies, and magazines all join in on the bashing of marriage, and it’s supposed inevitable death sentence to everything considered good or fun in life.
Sadly, I remember people making all sorts of negative comments about marriage when my husband, Steve, and I got engaged. After talking with other engaged or married friends, we quickly realized we weren’t alone. From telling us to run for our lives to wishing us luck with sarcasm, it was shocking to realize how bitter people are toward the institution of marriage.
This got me asking the question, “Why?” Why does society have such a jaded view of marriage? I figured finding a plausible answer(s) to this question would be beneficial to those headed toward their wedding day, combating the tension over marriage in society and providing encouragement. Because I can assure you firsthand that these marriage critics could not have been more wrong about marriage – it’s the best.
“What’s marriage like?”
“It’s like a sleepover every night!”
My husband and I have had a lot of people ask us the above question, and I love my husband’s answer that it is like a sleepover every night. We actually first heard that description of marriage from one of our married friends before we got arrived at our big day, and we quickly found it to be an accurate description. Most of us can relate to sleepovers since it was a staple of pretty much every childhood. It was so exciting to have friends over, stay up late, do silly things together, laugh, talk, watch movies, eat junk food, and enjoy the novelty a sleepover brings. There was just something special and exciting about sleepovers as a kid. Marriage is like one continuous sleepover only it’s a super-version because now you are adults and can make all the decisions. Stay up as late as you want, snuggle, eat what you want, watch what you want, and just pretty much do anything your hearts desire. It is awesome.
While I could list off all the reasons that marriage is incredible, fun, and fulfilling, I won’t because I don’t want to digress too much from tackling the issue of why so many people feel just the opposite about marriage. Here are three reasons why so many people have a skewed vision of marriage:
Sin
Unfortunately, in the Garden of Eden, sin entered the human scene. As a result, sin distorted everything from how God intended it to be. God gave woman to man for them to become a team together. Each had their own strengths and purpose both as individuals and as a couple. When Adam and Eve partook of the apple in the garden, their relationship as God intended was turned upside down, forever distorting what marriage was meant to be.
When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, a relational breakdown occurred. The blame game started, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it” (Genesis 3:12). Not only did the finger-pointing start, but the odds became stacked against them. In Genesis 3:16 God speaks to Eve saying, “You will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” Because of Adam and Eve’s decision to disobey God, men and women would forever struggle with their roles. Instead of women fulfilling their role as helpmates and men leading as the head of the house, the women would fight for the power and control and men would abuse their power. Not every man and woman does this, but it is the struggle and tendency that every man and woman faces.
Sin corrupted the ideal system and relationship between a husband and wife. As a result we struggle with the consequences. Men and women blame one another, struggle for power, abuse their power, and things get painful, chaotic, and less than ideal. Especially when a man and woman are unaware of their natural tendencies because of sin, marriage can be a pretty difficult and less-than-appealing situation. This lack of understanding and war with our sinful flesh are huge reasons why many people have negative experiences and feelings regarding marriage.
The good news is that we are told in Scripture about these sinful tendencies and where they come from, which gives us hope. Awareness is half the battle. If you know that as a man you are susceptible to abusing your power, and if you know that as a woman you are at risk for battling for control in the relationship, then you know what you are up against. That means you are able to work hard at combating those inclinations and move toward experiencing the ideal marriage God intended for us – living out His design for men and women in harmony. It also means that you can confess and bring your struggles before the Creator and Savior who will guide you through difficult, confusing, and challenging times as an individual or couple.
Relational Hurt
What is so tough about relationships is that when you are invested and vulnerable, you are also more susceptible to getting hurt. It’s not that being invested and vulnerable is a bad thing, in fact, just the opposite, but as humans we are imperfect and prone to hurt one another without even meaning to most of the time. It really stings when someone you love hurts you, and unfortunately, this is a common occurrence in relationships because of our human nature.
Many people have been wounded in marriages and find themselves in a difficult position. Often people get hurt so badly they are unwilling to offer grace and forgiveness to their spouse, which leads to an even deeper wound of the heart. Sin, poor communication, unrealistic expectations, role confusion, and a lot of other factors can lead to a lot of damage in a marriage that many people don’t get the help needed to repair, and they are left with a failed marriage. A failed marriage is one of the most painful experiences for someone to go through, and that damage often leaves people assuming and spreading the worst about marriage.
Marriage is hard work. Your spouse will inevitably hurt you at some point, and you will do the same to him or her. You will face difficult times, and you both will most definitely need grace, forgiveness, patience, and reconciliation. It is important to understand, though, that just because you get hurt or those around you share their hurts, that doesn’t make marriage the culprit. Every relationship has tumultuous and painful moments, but these are the moments that strengthen and define your relationship. It takes accepting this reality, praying together, communicating, and getting help when needed to overcome and continue on stronger than before. It’s like the saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” Don’t allow those who have been hurt to speak false fears into your marriage.
Misunderstanding
There is a general misconception about marriage that a person can find “the one” and live happily ever after. While that is true in part, it is more complicated than that. Marriage is work. It’s challenging and pushes you to your limits. It tests your commitment, patience, and sanity. Just because you find the right person you want to spend the rest of your life with doesn’t mean you will never face adversity in the relationship. Even fairytales have obstacles, villains, and challenges that must be overcome in order to get to the happily ever after.
People misunderstand and think marriage should be easy if you find the right one. That could not be further from the truth. Marrying the right person requires careful consideration, deliberation, communication, and prayer. It is a selection process and a choice, not something you just randomly stumble upon. “Falling in love” is not an adequate reason for selecting someone to marry. Don’t just follow your heart blindly. Lead your heart in a wise direction.
Once you have chosen your spouse wisely, realize that it is your commitment and love that will carry you through life’s ups and downs. If you think that marriage should be a cake walk, then you will absolutely find yourself in a failed, miserable situation that leaves you thinking marriage is a hoax. It is essential to recognize that marriage is hard work day in and day out! That is why marriage vows include, “…for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.” These words are included because that’s what marriage entails – tough times when it’s your commitment, true love, and faith in God that carry you through.
A lot of people have a negative view of marriage. Often it is because of sinful human nature, relational hurt, and/or misunderstandings. While marriage isn’t always amazing, fun, and off-the-charts, it is a lot of the time. It’s alwayswork that is worthwhile, and your marriage is what you make of it. Pray hard, work hard, and love hard. It will be worth your while because marriage is far from “game over,” it’s the start of something amazing that lasts a lifetime.
