I remember when my husband, Steve, and I were engaged and we got a shocking amount of negative commentary about marriage. From “Enjoy your freedom while it lasts,” to “Are you sure you want to do this?” we were amazed by the pessimism we found ourselves surrounded by. It was as if the whole world was against the institution of marriage, which is the exact opposite of what you expect on the road to saying your vows.
Everywhere I look, there is someone or something promoting a cynical message that marriage is a prison sentence without parole. Television shows boast excitement and enthusiasm toward a promiscuous, foot-loose-and-fancy-free, single life while poking fun at committed, monogamous marriages. Magazines parade colorful covers spouting off headlines like “How to Please Him,” and “10 Tricks Every Girl Needs to Know to Get a Guy.” Billboards flash messages of self-indulgence and pleasure. Traditional values and families are shunned, made fun of, and criticized.
In every day culture we are inundated with this angst toward married life. Couples everywhere are cashing in their marriages in exchange for selfish endeavors, “greener pastures,” and a false sense of fulfillment. We are left with one out of every two marriages staying intact. People casually make comments like: “She’s the ball and chain,””All she does is nag,” and “He’s on a tight leash.” These sayings usually get a few laughs and plenty of head-nods.
If you need more evidence of the declining support for married life, look no further than bachelor and bachelorette parties. Rather than celebrating the blessed new chapter that an individual is about to enter, the party is an excuse to exhibit poor judgment and behavior. The main goal of these festivities is to enjoy one last night of freedom permitting the bachelor or bachelorette to do whatever he/she sees fit for the occasion. So, marriage is treated like life’s killjoy.
While many aspects of these harmful outlooks bother me, the most disturbing of all is that couples are heading into marriage without a fighting chance. They have been stripped of their hope, excitement, and optimism toward this huge, joyous step. But, more than that, couples are walking down the aisle unequipped and with a totally upside down perspective of what marriage is all about.
Marriage is not a casual endeavor, something that’s great if it works out and great if it doesn’t. If you are already thinking that your spouse is going to be “a ball and chain,” or that your marriage is “a lifetime restriction on freedom and fun,” then you are headed for some seriously troubled times. If you want to have an amazing marriage, it starts with having the right frame of mind and attitude.
Something I have personally discovered of significant value in my own marriage is that I need to surround myself with positive messages about marriage. That includes having great, Christian friends around who support and encourage my relationship with my husband. It also means being careful what television shows and movies I watch. When I pick out books or magazines to read, I look for ones that promote ideas in line with my morals and values. It is important to envelop yourself and your marriage with constructive influences and try to eliminate or minimize the destructive ones.
The truth is that marriage is incredible. It’s a God thing. In Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable to him.” God designed marriage for us to benefit emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. It’s a miraculous and wonderful gift that God gave us to enjoy here on earth.
Granted, God never promised that marriage would be easy. When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, things got twisted. Instead of men and women working harmoniously in tandem with one another, things got out of balance. God curses both Adam and Eve, specifically telling Eve in Genesis 3:16 that, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” Marriages got warped that day in the garden, which means that we all have to work hard against our evil, natural desires.
The derogatory view of marriage is founded in this out-of-whack situation we have found ourselves in. Instead of embracing the beauty of marriage, including the God-given roles we were designed to uphold in marriage, we fight against it. This makes for an uphill battle. In her book, Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild, Mary Kassian says it well, “Sin twisted the positive desire for woman to respond amenably to man into a negative desire to resist and rebel against him. It twisted the positive drive of man to use his strength to lead, protect, and provide for woman, into a negative tendency to abuse or refuse that responsibility.”
When we twist what marriage is designed to be, of course it is going to be tough. Marriage is work. There is no way around that. What is important to remember, though, is that it is worthwhile work! Sure, your wife may nag. Sure, your husband may drop the ball from time to time. These are human attributes, not just something unique to your spouse.
If you want your marriage to be successful, start getting your mind and attitude on track. Refuse to buy into the messages of culture and media surrounding and tempting you to sell yourself short by indulging in the reckless dating and single life. Avoid listening to negative influences telling you that marriage is a farce. Those are all lies that are setting you up for destruction and failure. Marriage is a gift from God. It requires continuous work, guidance, education, growth, and help from the Holy Spirit.
