Inherent to its very design, sex is a mystery: beautiful, complex, and at times, confusing. The Scriptures regard it a mystery (Eph. 5, Prov. 30:19), and Christian circles speak about sex as a transcendence—unleashing metaphor for Christ’s unconditional love for the church. Even in pop culture, although the power and beauty of sex is often diluted to a physical activity, media portrayals of sex nevertheless constantly explore, experiment, and probe this part of human nature. Sex is a deep human mystery—and it invokes curiosity, from both the church and secular culture alike.
But if sex is such a mystery, how should single men and women, engaged couples, and newlyweds understand it? How can we gain a solid perspective, avoiding the opposite pitfalls of naiveté and overexposure? How can young men and women date with sexual integrity? And how can an engaged couple best prepare for becoming one, when they are on the threshold of intimacy yet required to maintain boundaries until marriage?
It seems to me that Christians often get caught in the crosscurrents of sexual information. Everyone has their own sexual ethic, and we hear conflicting messages not only from our church and the culture around us, but also from conflicting messages within the church as well. When these powerful currents collide, we are often swept out with the tide, unable to stand our ground because we are unsure which sources to believe. And unfortunately, sometimes the church muddies this conversation as much as secular influences. Here are some scenarios of real relationships that illustrate that our Christian understanding of sex needs to be re-informed.
- Scenario 1: Boy meets Girl. As their relationship grows, Girl and Boy see more and more godly qualities in each other that make them think they might make a good marriage together someday. Then Boy goes to a Christian retreat and hears a speaker that convinces to save their first kiss until the altar. He tells Girl about his decision, and she is surprised but supportive, but then one night Boy is overcome by Girl’s beauty and kisses her anyway. The next day, instead of feeling happy, Boy feels guilty and far from God. In order to demonstrate his repentance, he decides to break up with Girl.
- Scenario 2: Boy and Girl are getting married in one week. Girl’s parents don’t say a word to her about what to expect on her wedding night, and she doesn’t know how to ask. But she assumes it can’t be that hard to figure out, since all the movies she’s seen show teenagers who don’t know anything having a very satisfying first sexual experience. Meanwhile, Boy is terrified about their wedding night because he wants to love and please her, and everything he knows about sex from Christian books implies that women don’t enjoy sex but only tolerate it.
- Scenario 3: Girl made destructive sexual decisions in high school that she regrets, and when Boy proposes, she knows they will have to work through these issues from her past. On their honeymoon, Boy tries to make Girl feel loved and cherished, but Girl can’t get rid of the pervading feeling that intimacy is dirty and wrong.
These are just a few of the countless stories of young people confused by the mystery of sex, rather than seeing it as a gift from God to bless and enrich a marriage. Sexual messages are everywhere, coming from your pastor, Facebook ads, best friend, and the silver screen, so it is more important than ever to be able to discern which voices deserve to be heard. The questions you have about God’s design for sexuality are significant: what does it mean to be created as a “sexual being”? What are the options for birth control and how do they work? Should engaged couples read Christian sex books to prepare for marriage, or not? How far is “too far” physically in a dating relationship? Is there anything “off-limits” in the bedroom, even in marriage?
These are all real, legitimate questions that need to be discussed if we are to understand this God-given gift. I think two things are important in this learning conversation: first, a big-picture perspective of God’s design for sex, and second, a practical perspective that includes the finer details. We need to grasp the theology behind sex, but we also need to zero in on the issues that we face daily in our relationships.
To contribute to the conversation, I’ve done a little research and created a “round-up” of articles and resources you can find online that talk openly, honestly, and insightfully about a biblical understanding of sex. I hope you will read, learn, and pray as you discern which voices of influence you will lend your ear, and how you will live differently as a result. Enjoy and if you have any other resources to add, please comment with a link below!
- Tim and Aileen Challies have two free e-Books on Tim’s blog, one for men and one for women. While both e-Books address the negative consequences of misusing or misunderstandings of sex, they also do a great job explaining the theology of sex.
- In Tyler Blanski’s recent article on CNN, How Christians Should Re-Think Sex, the author advocates for a view of sex that is good and beautiful as God created it, not tainted by shame or reduced to a mere vehicle for procreation. He also offers some great thoughts on what “being created as a sexual being” means for the single life.
- Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages website, based on the bestselling book, has a free quiz to help you determine your love language profile. The quiz is tailor-fitted to singles, children, parents, wives, or husbands.
- Love180’s website has their abstinence presentation (videos and transcript) online, in which they cover relationship decision-making from a common-sense standpoint, which also happens to line up with God’s plan for sex and relationships. Love180’s message gives strong reasons for waiting to have sex that have more to do with your emotional and spiritual wellbeing than risk factors such as pregnancy and STDs.
- Relevant.com talks about some ways you can prepare for intimacy within marriage in Surviving Newlywed Sex. The writer also practically discusses how engaged couples can communicate about their expectations for sex without crossing a line into temptation.
- Harry Schaumburg, author of Undefiled: Redemption from Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships, says, “To be spiritually mature, you must be sexually mature; to be sexually mature, you must be spiritually mature.” Hear his radio programs on sexual maturity on FamilyLife.
What issues in relationships and sexuality would you’d like to learn about through a biblical perspective? What resources or ideas have helped you make good relationship choices?
