Before marriage, couples often find their relationship to be somewhat trouble-free. You will hear couples say how they rarely encounter issues, but when they do, they handle them with relative ease. Flash forward to after the wedding day, and suddenly the same couple is saying how they argue all the time over everything. They cannot seem to understand what happened to their relationship.
What happened to this couple? Did marriage ruin their relationship? Did they marry the wrong person? While there are certainly many factors in play, there is no doubt a common cause for all of their troubles — honesty in communication, or a lack thereof.
The premarital stage of a relationship is known as the “best foot forward” time where both individuals are on their best behavior. Whether done intentionally or not, they are most likely filtering their thoughts, actions, and words in a way that portrays them in a positive light to one another. They will allow many things to “slide” that, in reality, annoy, anger, or frustrate them. They will bite their tongue in instances where they would actually like to send some strong feelings toward a certain topic. They will give their best effort to always enjoy whatever activities they are participating in regardless of their personal feelings toward them. No matter what the situation, both people are always trying to convey the ideal and best version of themselves.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is tough to maintain throughout the life of the relationship, especially when it results in marriage. As time goes on, true feelings, thoughts, preferences, and attitudes are revealed. The filter is dropped and the truth comes out. Unfortunately, both people are often left stunned and begin to develop feelings of disappointment and deception. It is as though the person they married is completely different from the person they are looking at present-day. The relationship is left in disarray as both partners try to discover who their spouse really is.
Putting your best foot forward is not wrong to do, but it should not hinder a person from revealing the truth about who he or she is. Sometimes individuals are afraid that if they disclose their true thoughts and feelings then their significant other might not like it and decide the relationship is not for him/her. That is a possibility, but the objective of dating is to find someone you are truly compatible with. If both people are pretending to be someone they are not, then the marriage is being set up for some serious issues ahead. As I said before, a façade can only be maintained for so long before reality begins to peek through and the problems begin to unfold.
There is a movie where a girl is attracted to her sister’s boss. She is completely opposite from him: she loves meat while he is a vegetarian; he is a philanthropist while she is self-centered; he loves the outdoors while she would prefer to go shopping; he adores animals while she cannot stand them. The list goes on and on. Despite all of their obvious differences, she pretends to share all of his interests and preferences. At their rehearsal dinner though, the truth comes out, and the wedding and relationship fall apart in true Hollywood fashion.
Obviously this is just the plot of a movie, but it is also a dramatic and tangible example of what so many people do in real life. A person completely changes who he/she is to fit into what he/she believes this guy or girl is looking for. In the process he lies to the girl he is pursuing and vice versa, setting the relationship up for disaster when the truth finally comes out. It is okay to be on “best behavior,” but there is a need for truth and honesty if the relationship is going to stand the test of time.
How you feel. What your preferences are. What your interests are. The types of food you like to eat. What your favorite hobbies and activities are. Your relationship with his/her family. Your religious beliefs and standards. How many kids you want. These, along with many more things, should all be honestly conveyed to the person you are with before the walk down the aisle. Masking the truth will only belabor and strain any adjustments that need to be made to accommodate differences down the road. Of course, how we convey our honesty is important. It should be done with love and respect for the other person with room for him/her to also share their honesty.
Honesty is necessary at all stages of a relationship. It is essential to be who you really are and let the other person see that. If both people do that, then there is freedom to make a wise decision about whether or not a future marriage could and should work. If the answer is, “No, we really aren’t that great of a match,” then you are free to move on in search of a relationship that is a better fit for you. If the answer is, “Yes! This relationship will work,” then you are that much further ahead for having been honest with one another.
The point is that all too often relationships consist of a lack of honesty before marriage and a little too much honesty after marriage, which can cause a lot of negative backlash. The best time for “best foot forward” is after the wedding day, not before it. It is important to reveal who you really are before marriage. Holding back things that are important and key to who you really are will only lead to problems in the future. Make sure you allow yourself to be forthcoming and to make room for your significant other to do the same. Remember, honesty is the best policy.
