Words can have a powerful and profound impact on someone. It is about more than just words floating through the air; it is about what we communicate and how we communicate it. Paying attention to what we say and how we say it is essential, particularly in relationships.
Importance of Communication
Research shows that negative comments and interactions affect us more dramatically than positive ones do. In his book The Marriage Clinic, John Gottman shares his research showing that happy, stable marriages have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive versus negative interactions, whereas, in marriages headed toward divorce there is a ratio of .8 to 1. He concludes that all couples have negative interactions but that it is the frequency and type of negativity that can make or break a relationship. Other studies show similar results where thriving individuals were exposed to higher amounts of positive interactions than negative ones. Time and time again, this is proven to be true: negative emotions and experiences tend to impact us more significantly, which is why it is important to be intentional about creating considerably more positive ones for our spouse.
The Bible speaks of the importance of our words and the power of the tongue. What we choose to say with our mouths can be the very thing that brings life or death to our marriage or relationship. “The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21). That is something that should not be taken lightly. While it may not always be easy, it is essential to be cautious and thoughtful about what we allow to come out of our mouths. We can build our loved one up or tear him/her down. In Proverbs, we learn that “pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones,” and how a kind word brings cheer (16:24, 12:25) When we use pleasant or kind words, we are providing our spouse or significant other with a sweet and healing remedy for life’s bumps and bruises. Time and time again the Bible talks about the importance and power of choosing loving, affirming, and kind words to uplift, heal, and encourage those we love.
In The 5 Love Languages® by Dr. Gary Chapman, he discusses a love language called Words of Affirmation. He notes that “verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love.” Throughout his discussion of this powerful love language, it is evident that words can be the very thing that communicates the love and respect your spouse or significant other so desperately needs. He goes on to discuss the need for encouraging, kind, and humble words, which are all different ways of verbally communicating love, appreciation, and affirmation. Depending on the primary love language of your spouse or significant other, words could mean that much more to the life of your relationship.
Non-verbal communication
Another element of conversation is our non-verbal communication. While we may avoid saying hurtful things, we use our body to do the talking. Perhaps it is rolling your eyes, turning away from your spouse, looking away, or any other number of movements that convey what our words aren’t saying. Just because you aren’t actually saying something hurtful with your mouth, doesn’t mean that you aren’t saying it at all.
Non-verbal cues are a very large part of how we communicate. Mental health professionals intentionally watch couples in their office to see what their non-verbals are saying. Are you reaching out to take hold of the hand of your spouse when he/she is sharing their thoughts? Does the couple come in and sit down as far apart as possible? Does the couple make eye contact? These are all things that speak very loudly despite having no audible voice. Make sure you keep your non-verbal communication in check. Make eye contact, face your spouse or significant other when he/she is talking to you, make loving physical contact, and express interest, love, and respect.
Silence
We have all heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I agree with this only to an extent. Yes, you must carefully consider the words that are coming out of your mouth and opt to refrain if they are unkind, but silence should not be used as a non-verbal means of saying it anyway. There are so many times that an individual will give the “silent treatment” to his/her spouse. Sure, you aren’t saying anything mean out loud, but you are still communicating something. Silence can be effective at moments to help you remain calm and respectful, but it can also be very hurtful and destructive if used as a means of punishment.
Communication is extremely important to a relationship, and while it may not come as easily to some as to others, it doesn’t mean that it is okay to stop trying. Silence may seem like an easy solution to avoiding conflict, but it can be even more destructive than arguing. It communicates that you don’t care, your spouse is not important, and the relationship is not significant, among other things. Don’t use silence as a means of avoidance; it will only make the situation much worse.
Communication in Conflict
Controlling our words in frustration or conflict can be one of the greatest challenges we face in a relationship. It is tempting to just allow ourselves to speak our mind with careless candor that often leaves us with a bigger mess than we started with. Words can be like a sword carving a chasm between you and your spouse or significant other. In Proverbs 18:13, we are warned that “spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.” At times, we are all guilty of this instinctual reaction to just say what we feel without listening carefully to our spouse or really thinking through the impact of our words. God tells us that we should keep a tight rein on our tongue (James 1:26). It can be extremely difficult during moments of intense emotional conflict, but it is a skill that must be acquired. Words can never be taken back. Once they are in the open, there is nothing you can do about it. Saying you are sorry can help, but often there is a wound where careless words pierced the heart and a lingering guilt trailing the one who spoke hastily.
It is easier to prevent an accident than to repair one. Kind of like defensive driving, we must carefully navigate difficult situations where we’re trying to work on a problematic area in our relationship. The point is not to find the most potent and deadly words possible to win the argument, but rather to effectively communicate the problem and work together to find a solution. You are a team, not enemies.
Communication exists in every culture and species in one way or another. It is central to how living things exist and relate. Relationships require a lot of communication to make them work. Communication is the thread connecting the experiences of a relationship.
What we say can profoundly affect our spouse or significant other in either a positive or negative way. It can make or break his/her day. It can be the healing or the affliction. It can build him/her up or tear him/her down. It can empower or deflate. It can encourage or discourage. It can strengthen or weaken. It is a choice we must make each time we open our mouths. What we say matters. Be the source of encouragement, strength, healing, empowerment, and love for your spouse today.
