As a female, I have always found it to be quite challenging to surround myself with quality girlfriends that I can trust and count on in the highs and lows of life. I have experienced a lot of hurt and pain surrounding this search for a strong group of girls to share life with. From betrayal to neglect, I had all but given up on the possibility that good, true, loyal friendships existed.
Before I got married, I didn’t think that friendships were all that important. After all, they only brought me heartache and pain. I couldn’t bear it one more time, by someone I had let in. After marriage though, I found myself thousands of miles away from my parents, sisters, and everything familiar. The loneliness became overwhelming at times knowing that my husband, while my best friend and partner in life, could not fill the void left by a lack of friends and family. After all, he is only one person. I needed a support system around me to encourage me, my marriage, and my passions.
After much discussion and out of necessity, my husband and I decided that we needed to be proactive in finding quality couples that we both enjoyed. He needed some guys to just hang out with, and I needed girls to talk with. We decided that our church was a great place to start looking for our new friends, so we started perusing the different programs and groups our church had to offer. Finally, we landed on a group that was specifically for young married couples who didn’t have children yet. Jackpot! With our minds made up to posture ourselves for newfound friendship, we headed to the first meeting.
To our surprise, the very first meeting of this young marrieds group brought us a couple that we just hit it off with immediately. We laughed because it felt a lot like dating, as you navigated when to call, how often to ask them to hang out, and what kind of topics to broach when together. Fortunately, our friendship with this couple blossomed beautifully, and they have become very dear friends that we absolutely treasure.
As we continued to attend our church group, we developed more and more friendships with many incredible young couples just like us. Eventually we joined a small group with three other couples where we meet weekly to do Bible studies, fellowship, and share life together. Again, these friendships have added such enrichment and blessings to my our lives as individuals and as a couple.
The other day, as I sat around the table at a nice restaurant for lunch with some of my girl friends, I found myself thanking God for blessing me with the impossible – a group of amazing girls who have become so important in my life. As we talked through an assortment of topics ranging from simple to deeply personal, it was encouraging to hear and be heard, to care and be cared for, to know and be known.
Friends and family create a support group that we really need in life. They are the people that rally around us when we need encouragement. They are the ones who provide laughter, memories, and accountability through life. As my husband and I have been blessed with some amazing couples to enjoy wonderful friendships with recently, it has really pushed to the forefront of my mind just how important a good, solid group of quality friends really is, especially if you don’t have family close by.
Here are some important things I have discovered over time about friendships:
- The Value of Friendship I have already touched on many reasons why friendships are an important part of life, but I want to be more specific. As a married couple, my husband and I have found how beneficial it has been to spend time with couples who are going through similar struggles, experiences, and changes in their lives. We spur one another on and are often able to offer up some helpful advice to one another. In addition, it offers accountability to know that other couples are depending on you to keep your marriage strong and thriving. We know that our friends would tell us if we were doing something harmful to our marriage and/or ourselves, and that is important to help keep us on track. Besides helping to navigate the process of marriage and offering accountability, friendships provide a little extra fun to life.
- Use Discretion A lesson I have especially learned both personally and through observation is that all friendships are not created equal! It is absolutely essential to use discretion in selecting who you allow into your life. These are people who are there to support you and keep you on track, and they can make or break your relationship. If you choose friends who don’t value your marriage, then when you come to them for advice or to share struggles with them, they aren’t going to promote your marriage. Often they may encourage you to walk away from it or offer you poor coping mechanisms that can be very destructive to you and your marriage.
Always surround yourself with friends and family that rally around, not come between, you and your spouse. Granted, if you aren’t married, and your friends and family are shouting out warning and cautions to you, don’t ignore them as though they just want to destroy your relationship. Before marriage, I would definitely encourage you to listen to the things that those who care about you are saying. Most likely they are speaking out of a genuine and sincere place, and it might be something that you are blind to because of your feelings for him/her. Regardless, make sure that the people you are letting into that inner circle of your life are people who should be there. They should be individuals that value and cherish you as well as your marriage.
- Find Couple Friends While it is totally fine to have individual friends, it is also a wonderful experience to have couples that you and your spouse or significant other spend time with together. It can be challenging to find couples where you both like your friend of the same gender, but when you do, it makes for a fun and enriching experience. As I mentioned before, it provides an experience where you can share lessons learned, similar struggles, common ground, and accountability. We have found this to be a unique and wonderful way to connect with others, while also helping us to connect more with each other.
- Where to Look The challenge in finding friends is just that: finding them. After exiting college, there isn’t the same pool of options and opportunities awaiting you for friends that are in the same stage of life as you are. A really great option is going to your church. We found all of our incredible friends at church by joining the young married group there. Most churches have some version of this. If not, they may have various functions that you can attend and seek out couples there that look like they might be in your life stage. Or, your church might offer small groups or Bible studies that you can join where you can easily connect with people. Either way, the church is a great place to start looking. Be proactive and make the effort to get out there and find great friends who can help you grow as a couple and as individuals.
There are a few words of caution in regards to friendship. If your friendships ever begin to come between you and your spouse, immediately take a step back to re-evaluate it. No one should ever come between you and your spouse regardless of who they are. If the friendship is hindering instead of helping your relationship, it might be time to expire that friendship.
While it is important and nice to have friends who empathize and commiserate with you, it is also important that they be able to be honest with you and sometimes say what you may not want to, but need to, hear. Ladies, we especially need to be careful because we have a tendency to lose ourselves in our emotions, and we need a girl friend that can care but put us back on track when we are going downhill fast. Sometimes we can get caught up in negativity and gossip where we end up in a “bashing” session rather than sharing in hope of finding a way to cope. We need friends who can be honest with us and help us to not get stuck in negativity.
Friendships are very important. They touch an area of your life that is unique to friendships. While good friends are no doubt hard to find, they are important. When you find a quality friend, hold on tightly and treasure them. Friendships provide a wonderful way of feeling connected in the journey called life, so get out there and make some wonderful friends!
