Recently, while on vacation with my husband, I was asked what every couple should know going into marriage. Apparently answering the question, “What do you do for a living?” with “Marriage and Family Therapist” piques interest. Fortunately, I am passionate about relationships and couldn’t turn down the opportunity to elaborate on my findings and thoughts in this area.
So, what should every couple know going in to marriage? While at first overwhelmed by the innumerable possible answers, I have narrowed down my answer to two things:
- It’s hard work! It seems disillusionment is the menu item of choice these days. Perhaps it is the flurry of films that paint a portrait of two lovers entranced by one another as they head off into happily ever after. Whatever the source, there is a serious fallacy that is undermining marriage before it even starts: the concept that marriage should be a cakewalk if we are with the right one. While it is essential to have an idea of what you want and need in a spouse, that selection will not immunize you from problems in your marriage. Every marriage has problems and requires hard work day in and day out. Your marriage is what you make of it, so if you are going in thinking that you just need to find your soul mate and everything will be rainbows and cotton candy, you are going to be sorely disappointed. Realize that just like every other relationship, marriage isn’t about finding that perfect someone or even being perfect yourself, but rather being willing to work hard, do your best, grow, leave room for differences, and practice lots of grace and forgiveness. That leads me to #2 on my list of things every couple should know heading into marriage…
- No escape clause! You cannot honestly expect your marriage to stand the test of time if you hold the idea that if for some reason if doesn’t meet expectations, you are going to call it quits. The truth is that marriage is comprised of two human beings who are imperfect in nature, so I can guarantee you that he/she will let you down at some point. You will be disappointed, hurt, frustrated … you name it. That is why you cannot have an escape clause in your marriage. Inevitably your marriage will reach a point where things are difficult, and you will use that escape clause if you allow it to exist. On the other hand, if you don’t make room for a back door exit, you are forced to get real and sort things out. Your spouse will not be perfect, your marriage will not be perfect, and you will not be perfect. Just come to terms with that now, and shut the door on the possibility of walking out. Instead, take your vows seriously and commit to your spouse for life without strings attached.
I wish that I could meet with every couple getting married and talk through the many facets of marriage. We are so ill-equipped for marriage initially, and I really believe that’s a huge contributing factor to the failure rates of marriage. Since I obviously cannot meet with every couple intended for marriage, I can only leave you my advice and implore you to take it very seriously; do what you can (classes, counseling, reading books, etc.) to prepare yourselves.
