It is inevitable that your relationship will encounter moments of conflict and differences of opinion. Considering you are both human beings with two different sets of beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and history, it is impossible to expect life to be one continuously smooth journey free from bumps in the road. It is not a matter of if you will disagree but rather when .
Before you throw your hands up in despair thinking you are the only two people in the history of the human race to argue over both trivial and significant issues, there is good news. Not only are you not alone, but you have passed the test of humankind. Differences and conflict in a relationship are not only normal, but they are opportunities. An opportunity for what, you ask? An opportunity to work together while building a deeper level of intimacy in your relationship. Intimacy and growth are forged on the anvil of conflict.
Have you ever heard of complete strangers going through a tragedy together? More times than not, they talk of the phenomenon of feeling “bonded” to one another despite having no prior relationship. That is because trials force us to come together in order to conquer the problem at hand. The same is true in romantic relationships. Of course not every situation is going to be of significant magnitude, but even those pesky, minuscule ones are an opportunity to grow closer together as you work toward a solution.
To reiterate, every single relationship will come across moments of disagreement and conflict. What makes or breaks the relationship is how those situations are handled. Are you going to use it as a chance to strengthen your relationship, or are you going to allow it to be a brick in the wall that will be built between you? The choice is yours.
Obviously some of us are better at handling these frustrating situations than others, which is why there are a few things to keep in mind. Focus on listening. Most of the time we head into a disagreement with guns loaded ready to shoot off our points and defenses. This approach closes down the lines of communication, taking us on a much less efficient and beneficial way of reaching a resolution. Conflicts should be handled in a way that embraces both people’s feelings and perspective, which is why listening becomes so crucial.
When finding yourself dealing with a problem in your relationship, remember that your spouse or significant other is someone you love. Be respectful of his/her opinions and feelings. Create space for him/her to discuss their perspective and really listen to what they have to say. Once you have listened to him/her, affirm what was said and express understanding. Repeat back to him/her what you heard. For example, “So what you are telling me is that when I arrive home late, it makes you feel as though I don’t care about you.” This helps you to truly understand what is being said while making the other person feel valued and heard. Allow space for him/her to clarify or complete any additional thoughts regarding what was just repeated back before proceeding.
After you have a clear understanding of what your other half is telling you, take the time to then share your perspective on the situation. Keep in mind this is not a time to attack. It is always best to approach disclosing your “side” of the story by sincerely expressing your thoughts from a me orientation rather than a you one. Talk about what is going on within you. For example, “I know when I get home late it makes you feel as though I don’t care about you, but I really am doing my best and wish I could get home on time just as badly. I look forward to getting home all day, but sometimes I get stuck in a late meeting and have no way of being able to let you know. This situation frustrates me and makes me feel like I am a failure.” When you express understanding of his/her feelings while explaining your own, it immediately opens up the lines of communication. Choosing your words carefully and genuinely conveying where you are coming from creates an environment of resolution and teamwork versus anger and conflict.
Once you have both communicated what you are feeling and why, begin to work on identifying the actual problem. What is the source of the conflict? Identifying the problem then means you can begin to work on a solution that accommodates both of you. This is the part where you attack the problem together. Sometimes one of you will have to compromise more than the other. Be flexible and sensitive to one another. If your spouse or significant other has to compromise more on this one, be appreciative and tuck it away in your memory for when you might need to be the one who compromises more. Identifying a problem and working toward a solution together is what strengthens the relationship.
When the problem has reached a resolution, go back to affirming your spouse or significant other. Express appreciation, strengths, and affection for him/her. This is also a time to relish your conflict-resolution skills as a couple. Celebrate your victory together and allow it to deepen the relationship while propelling you forward.
Each conflict you successfully resolve together is a building block in your relationship. It is like working out in the gym; each time you go back, you can lift more weights for more reps. Do your relational exercises and become stronger over time.
