Great expectations! They follow us into marriage. From who takes out the trash to how the finances should be handled, each of us has our mind made up about how things should be done. The problem is that most likely our expectations will be different from those of our spouse, which can lead to some sticky situations.
Expectations are formulated early in life from our experiences and our family of origin. We pick up information along the way about how we think relationships should be and mentally construct our ideal situation. Oftentimes we aren’t even aware of our expectations, let alone where or they originated. Although realistic, these expectations are very likely to differ from your spouse’s, which is why they must be addressed … in order to avoid serious conflict.
The best time to examine your spoken and unspoken expectations is during the dating process. While often overlooked and under-emphasized, premarital preparation is crucial for the success of your marriage. People frequently disregard this important step because they are still caught up in the infatuation stage, where they are in a euphoric, effortless, and emotionally-driven period. The problem is that this part of the relationship statistically lasts for around two years. The next stage can be a tough pill to swallow, when suddenly we begin to see the faults, failures, and annoyances of our spouse. This is when people often say, “I don’t know who this person is. They aren’t the same person I married. I think I married the wrong person.” The reality is not that you have married the wrong person but rather that you are beginning to see that person realistically for the first time. This requires a fresh perspective that entails a new commitment to understanding and loving your spouse as well as being committed to the marriage. This is why premarital preparation is so important. It addresses the issues you can’t foresee during that euphoric stage of the relationship, and equips you for the realities of the marriage, including unmet expectations.
Unmet expectations can lead to disappointment, resentment, and hurt. Especially when television, movies, magazines, and other media are feeding us messages that if we are with the right person, we will always be in an exhilarated emotional state. When we go into marriage with unrealistic or differing expectations, we are left with a less-than-thrilling concept of our spouse and marriage. Realizing that marriage cannot be based on emotional ups and downs but rather on commitment, an awareness of each other’s expectations, and negotiating compromises for those differing expectations will prove to be a recipe for success.
Finances
Finances are one of the leading reasons for divorce. Often couples do not discuss this topic in depth before marriage, or even after marriage, which can lead to complications. Avoid this common stress by discussing your expectations surrounding money. Answering the following questions can really help prevent potential conflicts in this area:
- Who do you expect to handle the finances? Is this the person who should handle them? Who handled the finances in your family of origin?
- What are your expectations for how your money will be handled – save, spend, etc.?
- Are you a spender or a saver? What about your significant other? How will you handle these differences?
- What are your long-term goals and hopes for your finances, including big purchases?
- How will you hold one another accountable?
Discussing your expectations with regard to money, in addition to devising a plan and budget, will be tremendously helpful in the long run.
Roles
Your expected role as husband or wife can be a major area for conflict, hurt, and disappointment. Most of the time we derive those expectations from our family of origin. We observe how our mom and dad operated and assume those same expectations, whether we verbalize it that way or not. If your mom and dad upheld very traditional roles, you will likely assume those same roles. For example – if your dad always took out the trash, you will expect the husband to do the same in your marriage. Expectations abound as to how household duties are delegated, how you interact, what the relationships should look like, etc. It is important to talk through these things in order to foster understanding and land on compromises that leave you both feeling fulfilled. Write down a list of responsibilities required in the running of a household and then discuss who you expect to handle each responsibility. If you have differing answers, then negotiate with one another considering that one of you may be better suited for that responsibility, especially if you each have strong opinions. Some responsibilities might include – taking out the trash, cooking, cleaning (you might need to break this down further), finances, etc. Knowing your roles allows for less conflict, higher relational satisfaction, and understanding.
Spirituality
Spirituality plays a huge part in relationships. Don’t overlook it. With a plethora of expectations surrounding this subject, unity is imperative. Spirituality can cause major mayhem in a household when the couple is divided because it is so integral to how we conduct our life daily. Morality, ethics, and day-to-day behavior is based on our beliefs about spirituality. In 2 Corinthians 6:14, The Bible tells us “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” Conflicting spiritual beliefs can be troublesome for a marriage.
Keep in mind that spirituality is not limited to just a religious sect. Two people can both be Christians and have extremely different spiritual beliefs. Some Christians adhere to strict rules while others are more charismatic. One may only be concerned with church on major holidays while the other thinks a daily relationship with Christ is essential. The spectrum of Christianity varies greatly, which is why it is absolutely essential to talk about what spirituality looks like to you and to your significant other.
Expectations are the fiber we carry around with us. They are woven into the fabric of who we are and what we expect from our relationships. Unmet and differing expectations can lead to major conflict in a marriage. Make sure to sit down to talk about your expectations and listen to your significant other’s. Working through incongruous expectations before marriage can avoid a lot of pain and heartache after you say “I do.”
