We are hungry for connections with others, and cannot endure being relationally starved. Regardless of how impossible it seems to your relationship, emotional affairs happen to unsuspecting people every day. It may not seem true today, but at some point you or your spouse will be susceptible to an emotional affair. You will be tempted and lured by the rush of feelings of being noticed, appreciated, and attractive. Unfortunately, no amount of proactivity can guarantee this won’t happen to you, but there are some key areas that frequently arise with couples who have suffered through an affair. Paramount to this is the workplace.
Because we spend so much of our adult lives working, the workplace is fertile grounds for inappropriate relationships starting up. If you or your husband is spending additional time at work (warranted or not), you’re likely spending emotional resources at the office that might normally be reserved or desired for home. Working in close proximity to the opposite sex creates shared experiences. Experience is the foundation for relationships.
Work is an unavoidable necessity of life, so here are a few proactive tips you can employ to create some natural and helpful boundaries.
Firstly, speak often about your wife in a positive light. Men and women do not need to converse about the negatives, struggles, or criticism regarding their spouse. This is a sure-fire recipe for an affair. If you’re unable to speak positively about your wife, then it is better to speak nothing at all (at which point I’d also encourage some pastoral or professional help). Your workplace will be aware of your wife’s importance (or lack thereof) and thus natural limitations to inappropriate relationships will occur.
Secondly, invite your husband to after-hours work functions. This can include formal parties and informal gatherings at the local bar or dive. If you’re going to have drinks or dinner with your colleagues after work, ask your husband to join the group. At least once or twice a month, if able, eat lunch with your husband on your own.
Thirdly, set boundaries for travel, meetings, and meals with the opposite sex. As a rule, I never have dinner alone with another woman. I will meet them for coffee or lunch, which are both distanced from the romantic overtures that dinners carry. In all instances, I let my wife know before hand if possible. Until you’ve established a track record of trust with your spouse, be very intentional about letting them know your individual plans with coworkers.
Lastly, keep short accounts with your wife about your work. Involve her with the projects, tasks, and meetings that you have on a regular basis. This doesn’t have to happen ad nausea, but keeping her up to date with the work you do will keep the two of you connected in a valuable area of life, which is your work. (As an aside, most affairs by men—occur and go unnamed—between the man and his job. It is so easy to neglect the difficulties of marriage in favor of work and building things.)
At the basic level, affairs begin at home, where life and relationship collide. Because we spend so much time apart from each other during the day, it’s natural for disconnections to happen. This is why it’s so important to set aside regular time to connect with one another.
Affairs are much like cooking a frog. You don’t put a frog in the pot of boiling water, because it’ll jump out. Instead, you put a frog in cold water and then slowly turn up the heat. Affairs don’t just jump out of us from the clear blue sky. They happen slowly, and begin with innocuous conversations that slowly and gradually heat up into deep and real connections.
